Dear Queenie,
I am a single woman doing a fairly substantial construction project on my home. And my contractor is driving me crazy. I did not walk into this blindly. I researched the project. I asked questions. I got quotations. I have some background knowledge, and when I don't understand something, I look it up before opening my mouth. Yet somehow every conversation with my contractor makes me feel as though I'm a slightly confused woman who wandered onto a construction site. If I question why something is being done a particular way, I get vague answers. If I point out something that doesn't match what we discussed, I'm told not to worry about it. If I ask when something will be completed, suddenly construction is far too complicated for anyone to possibly give me a date. And if I use the correct terminology or demonstrate that I've actually done my homework, the mood changes. Recently, after yet another frustrating conversation, someone suggested: "You need a man to talk to him." And the worst part? I actually considered it. Not because I need a man to understand my construction project. Because I'm starting to wonder whether **he** needs a man before he'll take my questions seriously. I could ask my brother or a male friend to step in. But that annoys me even more. It's my house. My project. My money. Why should I need to borrow a man's voice to be heard? Queenie, do I stand my ground, or bring in reinforcements and get the blasted project finished? —Hard Hat, Hard Head
Dear Hard Hat, Hard Head,
There is something particularly irritating about paying someone thousands of dollars...and then having to recruit a man to help you spend your own money. But before we sentence your contractor in the Court of Sexism, let's separate two possibilities. He may treat you differently because you're a woman. Or... He may simply be a difficult contractor. The distinction matters. You don't need to prove sexism before addressing poor communication, missed commitments or work that doesn't meet the agreed standard. So stop trying to prove how much you know. You're the client. You don't have to pass a construction exam before you're entitled to ask: "Why was this changed?" "When will this be completed?" "Is this included in the quotation?" "Please explain that to me." And here's where I would change tactics. Put more in writing. After conversations, send a message summarizing what was agreed. Keep the quotation, changes, payments and deadlines organised. Take photographs as work progresses. Ask for explanations when something deviates from the plan. Documentation speaks with a wonderfully gender-neutral voice. As for bringing in a man? I'm going to be pragmatic. If your brother, friend or knowledgeable male relative can walk onto that site and magically produce answers you've been requesting for three weeks, I wouldn't refuse the help simply to make a feminist point. Use whatever gets your project moving. But pay attention to what happens. If the contractor suddenly becomes more responsive, more explanatory and more respectful when another man appears, you've learned something valuable. And next time you're hiring someone, that contractor may have also learned something valuable: He won't be getting your business. The goal isn't to prove that you can manage a construction project without a man. You already are. The goal is to get what you're paying for. Your house. Your money. Your questions. And yes... your hard hat.—Queenie
