Dear Queenie,
I have a friend I care about, but our friendship seems to operate on one setting: emergency. When life is going well, I hardly hear from her. No calls. No messages. No checking in. But the moment she is in trouble, my phone lights up. It is always something. Rent short. Car trouble. School fees. A sudden crisis that requires emotional support, practical help, or sometimes money. Then, once the immediate problem is over, she disappears again until the next emergency. I don’t believe she is a bad person. I think she is overwhelmed and perhaps used to relying on people to help her through difficult times. But I am starting to feel more like an ambulance than a friend. Part of me feels guilty for pulling back because I know she is genuinely struggling. Another part of me feels used. Queenie, how do you know when compassion has turned into being taken for granted?—Friend on Speed Dial for Disasters
Dear Friend on Speed Dial for Disasters,
If someone only calls when their world is on fire, you are not experiencing a balanced friendship. You are functioning as emergency services. That does not mean your friend is manipulative. It may simply mean she has learned to associate you with safety, stability, and solutions. But even well-intentioned people can become emotionally dependent on others without realizing it. And over time, constant crisis management becomes draining. The key question is this: When there is no emergency, is there still a friendship? If the answer is largely no, then what you have is a support relationship, not necessarily a mutual one. That does not mean you stop caring. It means you stop being endlessly available. You are allowed to: delay responding, decline financial help, offer encouragement without taking on responsibility, and protect your energy. Compassion does not require constant access. And helping someone should not come at the expense of your own peace. A healthy friendship includes ordinary moments—laughter, shared updates, interest in each other’s lives, not just urgent calls when things fall apart. So yes, continue to care. But be honest about the role you are playing. Because if the only time your friend reaches out is when she needs rescuing, then the relationship may be built more on dependence than connection. And that is a difficult but important distinction.—Queenie
