Dear Queenie,
My mother calls me almost every day to complain about some argument she has had with one of my sisters or brothers. She goes on and on, and by the time we hang up I’m ready to cry.
My sisters and brothers don’t want to talk to her because all she does is complain to them about the others and then argue with them if she doesn’t think they’re properly sympathetic, but she’s the one who starts the arguments. I’ve tried to explain this to her, but then she starts an argument with me.
I’m in my 30s. I’ve just started a new job, I have a little child and I’m in a very important relationship, and the stress is just too much for me. I’ve tried explaining this to her too, but she doesn’t even seem to hear me.
I suggested she talk these things over with Dad, but she says she doesn’t want to stress him out, but she doesn’t seem to care if she stresses me out!
My boyfriend says I should just hang up on her when she starts to go on about something, but I don’t want to do that.
Queenie, how can I get her to let up on me?—Depressed
Dear Depressed,
Your mother apparently leans on you because you are the only one who will listen to her. But if it puts too much stress on you, you will have to learn to set some limits.
You could just hang up on her when she starts her complaints, but that would be rude and unfeeling.
Your best bet would be to set a time limit to her phone calls; say, three to five minutes. Set a timer or check your clock when you answer the phone. If the conversation is, by some miracle, pleasant, talk as long as you want to. If not, when the time is up, tell her you have to go and say goodbye.
Make some excuse if you feel you have to, such as another call coming in, someone at the door, you have to check the food cooking on the stove, the baby is getting into something; whatever you can think of. Or just say, “Sorry, Mom, I have to go now. Goodbye.” Then hang up.
And if she calls you back, say, “Sorry, Mom, I can’t talk now,” and don’t even let her get started before you hang up.
