Dear Queenie,
I am pro-vaccination. My sister is not. She refuses to vaccinate her children. Strong beliefs, lots of things she reads online, and she is not open to changing her mind. My children are fully vaccinated, and all the kids still play together like normal cousins. Outwardly, everything looks fine. But I worry. I worry for her children. I worry about exposure, about things that should not even be an issue anymore. And I also worry about what could happen if something does go wrong. The problem is, she is very stubborn. The more you try to reason with her, the more she digs in. Conversations turn into arguments quickly, so I’ve stopped pushing. But staying quiet doesn’t feel right either. Queenie, how do you handle something like this? Do I keep trying to convince her, or do I accept it and just focus on my own children?—Concerned Aunt and Mother
Dear Concerned Aunt and Mother,
You are dealing with two separate realities. One is medical. The other is relational. On the medical side, your position is grounded in established public health practice. Vaccination is widely used to reduce the risk and severity of infectious diseases, particularly for children. Your concern for your nieces and nephews is not unreasonable. But concern does not equal control. On the relational side, your sister has formed a belief system that is not based on a lack of information, but on a rejection of certain sources of information. Once someone is in that position, more facts rarely change their mind. It often has the opposite effect. That is why your attempts to reason with her lead to conflict rather than movement. So your strategy has to shift. You are unlikely to convince her directly. What you can do is keep the door open without pushing it: “If you ever want to talk about it or look at information together, I’m here.” Then leave it. No debates. No repeated arguments. At the same time, focus on what is within your control. Your children are vaccinated. That significantly reduces their risk. Continue to follow general health guidance, especially during outbreaks or when children are unwell. You are allowed to set practical boundaries if needed, such as limiting contact when someone is sick, without turning it into a larger conflict. And finally, accept this part, even if it is uncomfortable: You may have to love your sister and disagree with her at the same time. Not every important issue inside a family gets resolved. Some are managed. Quietly. Consistently. With the focus placed where it belongs, on the wellbeing of the children in your care.—Queenie
