Dear Queenie,
I work from home. I need to emphasize the word work, because one of my relatives seems to believe the important part of that sentence is home. A cousin who lives in the US has decided to build a house on family land here in Sint Maarten. I have a good relationship with his wife and, by extension, with him. He's a nice enough person and I'm happy that they're building here. The problem is that since the project started, he has apparently appointed me his unofficial Sint Maarten assistant. He drops by my house without calling. Frequently. Sometimes he wants help with something related to construction. Sometimes he has a business issue. Sometimes he needs me to call someone. Sometimes he wants my opinion about something. Sometimes he needs "a small favour." The small favour is rarely small. Because I work from home, he seems to assume I'm available. Unfortunately, I usually keep my front door open during the day for ventilation, so I don't even have the option of pretending I'm not home. He can literally see me sitting there. At my computer. Working. And still I get: "Hey, you busy?" Queenie, I am sitting in front of a computer at 10:30 on a Tuesday. What does he think I'm doing? Wordle? The other day he arrived while I was in the middle of something important and started explaining a problem with the house. I kept looking at my screen, hoping my body language would communicate: "This establishment is currently closed." It did not. Eventually I stopped what I was doing and helped him. Again. I know part of the problem is me. I've allowed this. I keep helping because he's family, because I know the island better than he does, and because I don't want to create awkwardness with him or his wife. But I'm starting to resent seeing him coming. And I don't want to reach the point where I damage a perfectly good family relationship because I never established boundaries. How do I make him understand that working from home doesn't mean I'm available for walk-in appointments? —Apparently Open for Business
Dear Apparently Open for Business,
Close the door. Not necessarily the physical one. Although at this point, Queenie would consider that too. You have identified one of the occupational hazards of working from home: some people see your car outside, see you inside and conclude that you are available. If you worked in an office in Simpson Bay and your cousin needed help with his contractor, would he walk through reception, pull up a chair beside your desk and say: "Quick question..." Probably not. Your home has simply removed the visual barrier that tells him: She is at work. So you're going to have to provide the barrier verbally. The next time he appears, don't stop working. Say: "I can't help with this right now. I'm working. WhatsApp me what you need and I'll look at it when I have time." Then return to your screen. This part is important. Do not say that and then spend twenty minutes discussing the problem. Otherwise what you've taught him is that: "I'm working" means: "Please continue, but feel slightly guilty." You can also address the larger pattern before his next surprise appearance. Something simple: "By the way, when I'm working from home during the week, I really can't accommodate drop-ins. Just message or call me first, and if I'm free I'll let you know." That's not rude. That's how appointments work. And let's deal with the family component. Yes, he's building on family land. Yes, you know Sint Maarten. Yes, you have contacts and local knowledge. That may make you a useful person to ask occasionally. It does not make you the unpaid local project coordinator. His house is his project. If managing construction from overseas requires someone locally to deal with contractors, paperwork, deliveries or business matters, then perhaps what he actually needs is a paid professional. Not a cousin with Wi-Fi. You also need to stop automatically accepting every "small favour." Before saying yes, ask yourself: "Would I agree to this if he had called and asked rather than appearing in my doorway?" If the answer is no, the fact that he's physically standing there shouldn't change it. And don't blame the open door. An open door lets in air. It is not office hours. You shouldn't have to sit sweating behind a locked door in your own home just to establish that your employment is real. Although if he continues to ignore the boundary, I have another suggestion. The next time you see him coming up the path, put on a headset. Point to it apologetically. And become extremely interested in Excel. —Queenie
