Dear Queenie,
I have been married for 10 years and all that time my husband has had other women too. If I complain, he says if I don’t like it I can leave, but we have 4 children under 10 years old and I only have a part-time job and I don’t have any family here to go to.
Now he brought home an STD from one of his outside women and he gave it to me and I can only guess when he’ll bring home AIDS! I can’t go to Safe Haven because he doesn’t beat me up.
Queenie, I don’t have any money to leave him. What can I do?—Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First, go to a doctor at once to be treated for the STD and tested for AIDS.
Next, make a list of all of his assets: house, car, furniture, bank accounts, everything. If (when) you leave him, he will still be responsible for supporting his children and your lawyer will need this information.
Then call the Women’s Desk and/or Safe Haven’s hotline. Even if Safe Haven won’t take you in, they can help you make plans to get away from this abusive man.
There are other kinds of abuse besides physical (beating you). Making a woman live in constant fear of being infected with a fatal disease certainly should qualify as mental and emotional abuse.
Dear Queenie,
I go to school every day and I supposedly have friends there. Yesterday they acted stupid with me again. They were talking behind my back again.
They even sent my best friend that I have known since I was small to lie to me and say they were talking about a club I was in. I got really mad because that wasn’t it. It was about some sort of dance. They asked people who aren’t their close friends to create a dance with them.
Then I called one of the so-called friends. She told me to call her when I’m not angry at her, and I wasn’t. I just wanted to apologize for getting angry because she was only paying attention to another so-called friend of mine. So I just left without a goodbye.
Am I sounding dramatic, spoiled, or jealous? I don’t think so, because I’ve spilled too many tears for them.
Queenie, do you think you can help me?— Misfortunate to Friends
Dear Misfortunate to Friends,
Let’s take a look at what you have said. You became angry with a friend because she was paying too much attention to another friend. That seems like jealousy to me.
You refer to your friends as “so-called” friends because they tell you they don’t like your angry, jealous behaviour. You become even angrier if they avoid you when you are angry. Then you weep because of the way they treat you. Yes, “dramatic” and “spoiled” would seem to apply.
How would you like it if someone treated you the way you describe treating the people you say are your friends? If you want to have friends, you have to be a friend, but your behaviour doesn’t seem very friendly. No wonder they try to avoid you and leave you out of their activities.
I suggest you try to modify your behaviour. Learn to control your jealousy and anger. Learn to understand that you are not your friends’ only friend, or the most important person in their lives. Learn to respect their feelings. Learn to treat them with respect. You will be a better person for it.
Dear Queenie,
There’s this boy who wants to go out with me, but I think he’s still going out with this other girl. He told me they were finished, but I didn’t believe him. He still asked me out, so I finally went out with him. We’re going for about 6 months now.
I think he doesn’t love me, because he never told it to me. I already told him that I love him and he never even said “I love you” too. So don’t you think that I’m right that he doesn’t love me?
So what do you think, Queenie?—Precious
Dear Precious,
I think you are probably right; he doesn’t love you. Either that, or he has trouble saying the words, as many older men also do.
But that is no reason to stop going out with him. You don’t have to be in love with a person to go out with them, as this boy is probably well aware. You can enjoy a boy’s company even if you are not in love with him.
I also think you are too quick to fall in love. Try to take it more slowly. You will have plenty of time for that when you are older. In the meantime, you should learn to tell the difference between sexual attraction and love. They are not the same thing!
Dear Queenie,
I heard that some man stole money from the Animal Welfare Foundation.
Queenie, what kind of a person would steal from a charity?—Animal lover
Dear Animal lover,
A person who considers himself as deserving as a stray dog or cat?
And remember, they do say that some men are nothing but animals. Apparently this one believes that charity begins at (his) home.
Dear Queenie,
I have seen several articles in the newspapers recently about women victimized and abused by men. Some of them say they have gone to the police, the prosecutor and other authorities for help and got no help, but none of them mentioned going to Safe Haven.
Queenie, why don’t these stupid women go to Safe Haven for help, at least in getting the police to take the matter seriously? That’s exactly what Safe Haven is there for!—No sympathy for stupidity
Dear No sympathy,
I would guess that these women are not stupid, but desperate, and don’t know how to get in touch with Safe Haven. And as I recall, one of these cases was on the French side of the island and the victim assumed that Safe Haven was only for the Dutch side, which I have been told is not the case.
Also, she may not have known how to contact Safe Haven from the French side of the island. I myself have never heard of a French-side number for Safe Haven. If there is one, or if it is the same number as for the Dutch side – (721) 523-6400, I would suggest that Safe Haven publicise the information. I would be happy to cooperate.
