Dear Queenie,
My mother got married a few months ago to a nice man who treats her and me and my brother very well.
The problem is his kids, our step-brother and step-sister. Our mother treats them like their father treats us and they get along with her just fine.
They are nice to us too when our parents are watching. But they are mean to us all the time when our parents aren’t around and they say we are trying to steal their father from them, he’s not our father and they wish we would just go away.
Queenie, we don’t say things like that to them about our mother. We just want all of us to be a family. How can we get them to lighten up?—Stepchild
Dear Stepchild,
This is a problem you can’t solve without help. Talk to your parents about it. It is up to your parents, especially your stepfather, to explain to his children that he still loves them and nobody can “steal” him or his love from them.
If he is unable to reassure them, counselling might help.
Meanwhile, try to understand that your step-siblings are having trouble adjusting to a very new situation, and try to be patient with them.
Dear Queenie,
I'm 11 years old. Why do I always get to be the shortest and skinniest girl? Why can't I be like one of my friends in Guyana or like girls on TV?
There was this boy and he told me that I am too skinny and that I need to go to the gym. It was the most embarrassing day of my life. It was very hard for me to turn my back and not tell him to do the same thing.
Well, Queenie, what do I do? Please, I need your help. Please E-mail me back and tell me what should I do.—Short girl
Dear Short girl,
You are short and skinny because that’s how some 11-year-olds are. You haven’t started to mature yet, and that’s as it should be. You can’t be like the girls on the TV show because those are teenage actresses playing the roles of girls much younger than they are.
The next time that boy teases you, tell him girls your age are supposed to be short and skinny and he should just wait a few years. I promise you, when you reach puberty and start to have a mature figure, that boy won’t be teasing you that way at all; he will probably be tagging after you begging you to notice him.
Readers, please note:
I do not answer letters individually. All letters will be answered in the newspaper. Names will be changed or deleted, to protect the privacy of the writer and others who may be mentioned.
Dear Queenie,
My dad is in prison and I don’t know when he will be coming home. I don’t know what to tell people when they ask me about him, like where is he or what does he do for a living.
Queenie, what should I say when people ask these kinds of questions?—Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
Whatever you decide to do, do not lie about your father. This is a small island and sooner or later the person will find out the truth. Then they will know that you lied and you will have two things to be embarrassed about: your father’s imprisonment and your own lies.
You don’t have to answer people’s questions if you don’t want to, but if you don’t, they will probably become even more curious. The best thing to do is to tell the truth as briefly as possible. For example, you could say, “My father did something bad and had to go to jail for it. I am sure he will do better when he comes home.”
If you don’t want to say even that much, or if the person is so rude as to ask more questions, just say, “I’d rather not talk about it.”
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I separated a few months ago and are getting a divorce. The reason why we separated is that he found out I was having an affair. But he had been going with other women all the time we were married and he has children by some of his bysides.
My problem is my 16-year-old daughter. She doesn’t know about the bysides and the outside children and she blames me for the breakup.
She wants to go live with her father. What she doesn’t know is that he doesn’t want her because she will interfere with his seeing all those other women because he still doesn’t want her to find out about them and his other children.
Queenie, I don’t want to be the one to tell her what kind of man her father is, but there’s no living with her the way things are. How do I handle this?—Caught in the middle
Dear Caught in the middle,
Your daughter is old enough to know the truth about her father and your marriage to him. If he doesn’t want her to know the truth, too bad for him. If he is so ashamed of what he has done, and is still doing, he shouldn’t have done and still be doing it.
In fact, I’m surprised she doesn’t already know. Secrets like that can’t be kept for long on this small island. When you tell her, you may be surprised to find out that she already knows the truth and is angry at you for doing the same as her father.
I would suggest family counselling for you and your daughter. She clearly needs it, and I’m sure you would benefit as well. If you can persuade your husband to go too, so much the better. It might even save your marriage, if there is anything left to save.
Dear Queenie,
I have been married for 10 years and all that time my husband has had other women too. If I complain, he says if I don’t like it I can leave, but we have 4 children under 10 years old and I only have a part-time job and I don’t have any family here to go to.
Now he brought home an STD from one of his outside women and he gave it to me and I can only guess when he’ll bring home AIDS! I can’t go to Safe Haven because he doesn’t beat me up.
Queenie, I don’t have any money to leave him. What can I do?—Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First, go to a doctor at once to be treated for the STD and tested for AIDS.
Next, make a list of all of his assets: house, car, furniture, bank accounts, everything. If (when) you leave him, he will still be responsible for supporting his children and your lawyer will need this information.
Then call the Women’s Desk and/or Safe Haven’s hotline. Even if Safe Haven won’t take you in, they can help you make plans to get away from this abusive man.
There are other kinds of abuse besides physical (beating you). Making a woman live in constant fear of being infected with a fatal disease certainly should qualify as mental and emotional abuse.
