Dear Queenie,

My boyfriend and I have been together for several years. His family like me and they weren’t a problem until recently.

A couple of months ago his mom and dad moved into a house just down the street from us. Since then his mother walks into our house whenever she feels like it.

We both work long hours and we like to sleep late on weekends, but she comes over first thing in the morning and if the door is locked and she doesn’t see us up and about she bangs on the door to wake us up, and if we ignore her she walks around banging on the windows.

My boyfriend has asked her to call us before she comes over, but either she “forgets” or she lets the phone ring and ring and ring and keeps calling again and again until we answer, and if we unplug it or turn it off she comes over and bangs on the door “to make sure we are all right.”

Queenie, I want to stay on good terms with her, but we want our privacy. Any suggestions?—At my wits’ end

Dear At my wits’ end,

You and your boyfriend could move to another house/apartment far enough away from his parents that his mother can’t conveniently “drop by” whenever she feels like it, but that is a rather drastic option, and you can’t keep moving away if they choose to follow you.

Arrange to have specific times when Mom is welcome to visit and let her son spell them out for her and explain that he doesn’t want her intruding on his private time with you. You might also invest in an answering machine for the phone and record a message such as, “We’re busy right now, so please call us back after (such-and-such a time) or leave a message and we’ll call you back when we are free.”

Don’t say anything to your boyfriend’s mother about her behaviour. That is up to him. If you say anything she will resent you for “coming between her and her son.” You might suggest that he discuss the problem with his father. Perhaps Dad can help keep his wife under control.

Keep your doors locked when you don’t want to see her, and let her son complain to her when she interrupts your sleep or whatever else you are doing.

If you have a fenced-in yard you might consider adopting a nice big dog or two, or three, and letting them run loose in the yard when you don’t want to be disturbed. That might discourage Mom – and other unwanted intruders – from dropping by unannounced.

Dear Queenie,

A young woman where I work is going to have a baby, but she is not married.

The women are planning a big baby shower for her, but I think she is a hypocrite and doesn’t deserve it. She has always pretended to be very religious, but there she is pregnant and no husband in sight.

Queenie, what do you say?—Church-goer

Dear Church-goer,

With no husband to help, and possibly considerable emotional trauma to cope with in regard to having a baby all alone (and possibly through no fault of her own; for example, she might have been raped) this young woman is going to need all the help she can get.

I say, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” Also, “Let him (or her) that is without sin cast the first stone.” And finally, “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

You claim to be a church-goer, but you seem to have forgotten all these bits of Biblical wisdom. You also seem to have forgotten one of the basic tenets of your religion: “Love ye one another.”

Dear Queenie,

After several unsuccessful relationships with men, I finally met one I love and want to spend the rest of my life with and we have been living together for about a year now. My 5-year-old daughter loves him too, and he says he loves us both, but he refuses to talk about marriage and says he has no intention of ever getting married.

I don’t want to break up with him because it would break my daughter’s heart and I don’t want her to grow up not trusting men and expecting them to abandon her, but I am so angry with my boyfriend about this that we fight a lot and when we do my daughter ends up in tears.

Queenie, what should I do?—Undecided

Dear Undecided,

You should have thought about this before you let your boyfriend move in with you. However, now the damage is done.

Give him some more time. It is possible that he will change his mind about marriage after you have lived together longer. If he does not, by then your daughter will be older and hopefully better able to understand and accept his leaving, if you should break up.

It is also possible that your pressing for a commitment too soon is what caused the break-up of your previous relationships. If your boyfriend decides to leave, take a break from men for a while and try to figure out why your relationships with men are so unsuccessful. Professional counselling would probably help. It would also help your daughter cope with her loss.

And when you start dating again, don’t introduce your daughter to any of your boyfriends, let alone move in with one, until you are sure the relationship will be permanent, which is to say until he makes a firm commitment and puts that ring on your finger.

Dear Queenie,

I’m dating a man who comes from a Spanish-speaking island. He speaks English well and so do many of his friends, but when they get together they jabber away in Spanish and I am totally left out because I do not speak that language. Sometimes they talk to me in English for a few minutes, but then it’s all Spanish again and it’s as if I wasn’t there.

I am trying to learn to understand it at least, but my boyfriend doesn’t help much because he always talks to me in English and when I ask him to speak Spanish he talks so fast I can’t keep up.

Queenie, what do you think about all this?—Left out

Dear Left out,

I think your boyfriend and his friends are very inconsiderate, to say the least. I also think it is possible that what they are doing could be a sort of put-down, a subtle way of trying to make you feel inferior for not understanding them.

On the other hand, they may simply feel more comfortable speaking – and thinking – in their native language. And they may simply feel that if you want to be part of their group, you should learn their language instead of expecting them to cater to your ignorance.

As you are not having any success learning Spanish from your boyfriend, why not sign up for one of the adult-education courses in Spanish that are available on both sides of the island, including at University of St. Martin?

Once you have learned enough to follow the conversation, imagine the Spanish-speakers’ reaction when you demonstrate your new knowledge. And you may be able to tell from that reaction – and from what you hear them saying when they believe you do not understand – whether their behaviour is simple thoughtlessness or deliberate rudeness.