Dear Queenie,
I have been in a relationship for 4 years with what seemed to be “the right guy.” It was going well until my boyfriend got a new “friend” who is a woman (she could even be his mother). Everything just went downhill from there.
He says she is just a friend who can give him what he wants and she drives his car (all the time), and she gives him things. I even found out that he sleeps by her occasionally.
We had never fought before, but a couple months ago he hit me after arguing when I confronted him. We broke up for 4 months now and now he wants to get back with me. He has been begging for 2 months now and I can’t take it anymore. I still love him but I don’t want to be hurt again.
Queenie, should I give him a second chance and let him prove what he claims?—Confused Heart
Dear Confused Heart,
Let’s see. This guy who is supposedly going with only you has a lady friend from whom he accepts gifts and sometimes he sleeps at her house (and where in her house do you think he sleeps?). When you tell him you don’t like it he hits you.
If you give him a second chance there is a remote chance he will “prove what he claims,” but a much better chance he will hit you some more, and harder. Abusers rarely change, except for the worse.
I would not suggest giving him a second chance unless he goes into anger-management counselling immediately and even then you should not be alone with him until the counsellor advises you that it would be safe.
But why waste your time and your love on a man who has already shown that he doesn’t respect you and cannot be trusted? There are plenty of other, better, fish in the sea.
Dear Queenie,
I was divorced several years ago and since then I have had several unsatisfactory relationships. I finally decided to give up on hoping to ever find the right man for me, but I feel terribly lonely.
Most of the people I know are married and they never invite me to their homes even when they have special occasions or parties. I have even suggested we get together for dinner or something and invited them to my house but they are always too busy.
I thought married women loved to fix up their single friends, but it seems more like they think I am after their husbands.
Queenie, why must I spend the rest of my life alone?—Lonely Divorcee
Dear Lonely Divorcee,
You don’t necessarily have to spend the rest of your life alone, but a change of attitude would seem to be in order. Stop thinking about “finding the right man” and start working on living a happy, fulfilled life. Find some new interests and attend public functions that relate to them. Join some new groups of mixed gender where you will meet both men and women who share your interests.
Remember, desperate lonely people are rarely attractive to others, except for those who want to prey on their vulnerability. On the other hand, happiness and a positive outlook attract friendship (and romance) like honey attracts flies.
Dear Queenie,
I have a problem with my parents and brothers and sisters. We have always been very loving and close, but recently I have noticed a change.
Everything is all right when we just stop by for a short visit, but when we have dinner together or when there’s a party or on a holiday like Christmas or New Year’s when everybody has been drinking, it gets real nasty.
Somebody will start an argument about something and then everybody starts taking sides and the next thing you know it’s World War III. Everybody is sorry the next day and says it won’t happen again, but sooner or later it does.
Queenie, what’s going on here? What’s our problem?—Disorderly when drunk
Dear Disorderly when drunk,
It’s probably the liquor. It is a well known fact that drinking alcoholic beverages can cause personality changes, and apparently your whole family is susceptible. I must point out also that “changes in personality” is one of the indications of alcoholism and, sorry to say, a tendency to alcoholism can be hereditary.
I suggest you contact the local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous and get as much information on the subject as you can. They will be happy to give you literature on the subject, enough copies for your whole family.
I hope you, and your family, will take steps to fight this problem before something tragic happens, and I wish you good luck in the battle.
Dear Queenie,
My girl and I have been together for quite some time and things were good for a long time until I told her a lie.
She hasn’t been the same since I told her that I don’t talk with my ex-girlfriend, which I used to do, but she seems to think that there is something going on between me and the old girlfriend, but there isn’t.
Queenie, all I want is for everything to be the way it was. I love her but I don’t know what to do to prove to her that I am really sorry.—Don’t know what to do
Dear Don’t know what to do,
Your girlfriend thinks there is something going on between you and your ex because you lied. Her logic is: if there is nothing going on, why did you lie about it? And I am inclined to agree with her.
Things may never be the same again between you and your girlfriend. Once trust is damaged or destroyed, it is hard to rebuild.
All you can do is try to persuade her to give you another chance, never ever lie to her again, and pray that she will eventually find herself able to trust you again.
Dear Queenie,
When we were first married and wanted to buy a house, my husband’s parents offered to lend us the money for the down payment. We made regular payments on the loan until my husband got sick and we had problems paying the doctor bills and they said we should wait to pay them until things got better.
That was many years ago and they never asked us to start paying again, so we thought they had forgiven the loan, but now they came to us and asked for the money.
Queenie, is this fair, after so much time?—In debt and indignant
Dear Indignant,
Of course it’s fair. You agreed to pay back the money and you haven’t done so.
What isn’t fair is that your in-laws had to come to you and ask for their money. You should have been making at least token payments all along, as a gesture of good faith. And if you had, you wouldn’t still owe them so much.
Pay what you owe and beg their pardon for taking so long about it.
