Dear Queenie,
A few years after my father died my mother was very ill for a few weeks. She recovered completely, according to her doctors, but now she thinks she is an invalid and needs someone to take care of her all the time and there isn’t anyone but me to do it.
I work full-time and when I get home I have to take care of her and the house and I don’t have the time or the strength for anything else.
And Queenie, what will happen to my mother if anything happens to me?—Exhausted daughter
Dear Daughter,
There must be some service organisations in your community that could offer you some help – day care for your mother at the very least, and perhaps even a senior citizens home where she could live full-time and you could visit her as much as you are able.
I am sure your mother’s doctors could help you find the help you need.
Dear Queenie,
Ever since my best friend’s mother died, which was more than 10 years ago, he has stopped having any social life. When we try to make plans to do something with him he always has an excuse why he can’t get involved, or he goes along with the plans and then cancels out when the time comes for whatever it is.
I understand his grief, but he is still young and he can’t stay in mourning the rest of his life.
Queenie, is there any way I can help him get on with his life?—Worried friend
Dear Friend,
If your friend has been in mourning for his mother for more than 10 years, he needs professional help, not to “get over it” but to learn to deal with the loss and way it has made him feel.
If you can persuade him to get professional counselling to deal with his loss, you will be doing him a big favour.
Dear Queenie,
My husband is always complaining that I’m not willing to have sex with him often enough.
I would love to feel like having sex with him but I’m always too tired from working a full-time job and then coming home and looking after our children and having to do all the house-cleaning and cooking and clearing up.
I know he works full time too, but then he comes home and relaxes and watches TV or plays a computer game.
Queenie, how can I get him to help around the house so that I will have the energy for making love with him?—Exhausted wife
Dear Wife,
Have you talked to your husband about this and explained your problem to him? If not, have a long talk with him about it until you think he has heard and understood what you are trying to tell him.
If that doesn’t help, you may need professional counselling – for both of you, would be best. And you should also have a complete physical check-up; make an appointment with your family doctor ASAP and try to have your husband go with you to hear what the doctor says.
Dear Queenie,
When my grandmother died they had her funeral at the same time as I had an interview for a new job. I had been out of work for a while and I really needed that job and there was no way I could re-schedule the interview and if I didn’t show up on time I wouldn’t get the job and they wouldn’t ever consider me for any other job that might come up.
I tried to explain all this to my parents and as soon as the interview was finished (I got the job!) I went to the funeral and nobody said anything about me being so late, but I could tell they were vexed and up to now they still haven’t forgiven me.
Queenie, was I wrong? And how do I make it right?—Grieving grandchild
Dear Grandchild,
I understand why you went for the job interview and I am glad to hear that you got the job, but I also understand why your family is vexed.
You need to apologise to your family, without making any excuses or explanations – they already know why you were so late. Ask them to forgive you and give them time to do so. Remember, they are grieving for your grandmother too.
Dear Queenie,
My son has graduated high school and has a good job for the summer, so he spends his days working and at night he stays out late having fun with his friends.
I work full time in the day and go to bed fairly early at night to get some rest and I don’t like being waked up when he comes home late or staying awake worrying if he doesn’t get home by a reasonable hour.
Queenie, how do I stop worrying and let him enjoy himself?—Sleep-deprived mother
Dear Mother,
If your son has a job he needs to get enough sleep at night that he can do his work well during the day. You also need to set some rules so that you can get the sleep you need.
Make an agreement with your son that when he is out at night he will answer promptly if/when you call him, set an hour by which he agrees to be home, and let him promise to call and let you know if he has a problem getting home by that time so that you can come and get him if necessary.
However, your son is growing up and soon enough you will have no control whatsoever over what he does or what happens to him, so you had better start learning how to let him go.
