Dear Queenie,
I have some medical conditions that I have to take medicines for and these medicines make me very sleepy and sometimes they just knock me out. Several times I have waked up to find that my husband has taken all my clothes off and is touching me or even having sex with me while I was knocked out
He says it’s okay because we’re married and because he knows I would say “yes” if he asked me when I was awake.
Queenie, is he right?—Angry wife
Dear Wife,
He may be correct in thinking you would say “yes” if you were aware of what he wanted to do, but he is oh so wrong in thinking it is okay for him to do it when you are not aware of what he is doing.
In some places this is legally classified as “spousal rape” and, in any case, having sex with someone who is not in condition to give consent is a form of sexual abuse, which is punishable by law. If you cannot make your husband understand all this, a marriage counsellor, or even a legal professional, might be able to do so.
Dear Queenie,
My ex-boyfriend cheated on me and after I broke up with him he married the woman he cheated with. I got married too and things have been going good, but then over the holidays my mother-in-law invited my ex-boyfriend and his wife to what I thought was going to be a family dinner. She said it was because she felt sorry for them because they didn’t have anywhere else to go.
I explained to my husband and my mother-in-law that I didn’t feel comfortable about this, because my ex never treated me very well and I thought the only reason he wanted to be there was to check up on me, but they said I was just making a big fuss over a very small matter.
Queenie, are they being unreasonable or am I?—Disgusted wife
Dear Wife,
I do not think you are being unreasonable. Your mother-in-law had no thought for your feelings in the matter when she invited your ex to what should have been a family affair without at least asking you how you would feel about it. And I have to wonder how it is that your m-i-l knows your ex at all, never mind inviting him to her home.
Dear Queenie,
I have three children – an older daughter and younger twin sons. When there are occasions for people to give them gifts my daughter always gets a gift of her own, but the boys get a single present for the two of them to share.
Queenie, how do I make people understand that the twins are 2 separate people and each one should get his own gift?—Offended father
Dear Father,
Tell them it hurts the twins’ feelings to receive only one gift for the two of them and if they cannot afford a separate gift for each child, it would be better to give no gifts at all.
Dear Queenie,
My 13-year-old daughter told me that a friend of hers at school is having sex with a man who is as old as her father. My daughter doesn’t want to to tell anyone else because she’s afraid her friends will call her a “snitch”.
Queenie, I don’t want my daughter to be mad at me, but what should I do?—Worried mother
Dear Mother,
Even if the sex is consensual, your daughter’s friend is legally being raped by an adult predator. If you can find out who her parents are, let them know what is happening so they can take the necessary measures. If you cannot contact the girl’s parents, tell a school counsellor, who would be legally and ethically obliged to report this kind of crime.
Dear Queenie,
I have been married for many years to a good man who works hard and provides for his family very well.
I work too. I have a good job that pays well, and when I go home I take care of the house and our three children, but at the end of the day I am exhausted and all I want is to get a good night’s sleep, but that’s when my husband comes to me wanting to have sex and it’s all I can do to manage to accommodate him and then he complains because I’m not exciting enough.
Queenie, how can I make him understand?—Exhausted wife
Dear Wife,
Sex in marriage should be like the frosting on a cake, which makes a good thing even better. But frosting without cake, while sweet, is not really very satisfying.
You and your husband should try to find a way to satisfy his desires without exhausting you. Perhaps he could help you more around the house and with the children. If he is a little more tired at the end of the day, he might be a little less interested in the “frosting” and if you are a little less exhausted you might be a little more interested in it.
Show him this column and see how he reacts.
