Dear Queenie,
If someone asks you how you are and you tell them you’re not feeling so well and they ask you what’s wrong with you, or if they come up to you and say you don’t look so good and ask what’s wrong, what’s a good answer to give them?
If you were the one who said you didn’t feel well, are you obliged to give them details if they ask?—Sick of questions
Dear Sick of questions,
Your state of health is your personal business. You are never obliged to tell anyone anything about it you don’t want to discuss. Except your doctor, of course; you should always answer his questions fully and honestly. Otherwise he can’t diagnose and treat your illness properly.
As for anyone else who asks you a personal question, it depends on how polite or rude you want to be to them.
“I’d rather not discuss it” is the politest answer. Or you could answer the question with another question: “Why would you ask me such a personal question?” Or, to be equally rude, “What business is that of yours?” or even “That’s none of your (expletive included, if you want to be really rude!) business.”
Dear Queenie,
I started dating this married man about 3½ years ago. The wife had a fit and he moved in with me because he loves me dearly. I make him happy and comfort him.
Now, after all he has told me about what his wife was doing that made him upset, he sees her. I don’t know if it’s only because of the kids, because he goes to the extreme in helping his ex out.
Sometimes he comes home real late and it’s not always he’s coming from the wife’s apartment. He hardly discusses why he’s late and if I ask him he’s upset.
Queenie, what’s the matter with him? Why can’t he see that I love him, I am the best thing for him, he made a mistake to marry that ugly picky-head wife and that I am just right for him?—The other woman
Dear Other woman,
Let’s see: You started seeing this man knowing that he was cheating on his wife, the mother of his children, with you. Did it never occur to you that, far from being “the best thing for him,” you were the cause of at least part of the problems he was having with his wife?
And now, when he comes home late and you know he hasn’t been with his ex-wife, it doesn’t occur to you that he is probably cheating on you the same way he did on her and that’s why he gets upset when you ask him?
No doubt the next “other woman” is telling him that he made a mistake to get in with “ugly picky-head” you, and that she is “just right for him.” And when he leaves her for the next woman, the next woman will tell him the same things, and he will do the same things to her.
For heaven’s sake, wake up and smell the coffee!
Dear Queenie,
I’m in my 20s and my fiancé is almost 30. We are planning to be married in a few months and very often he will spend the evening with me, having dinner, making plans, etc. Sometimes he even stays over.
When he does, his mother freaks out. She calls us up to ask if he is okay and why didn’t he call to let her know he was not coming home. But if he calls to tell her, she has a fit anyway because he won’t be home for dinner or whatever!
She even called my parents to ask them if they knew what was going on behind their backs! I have lived on my own since I finished school and my parents don’t try to run my life, but my fiancé still lives with his parents and his mother sure tries to run his!
Queenie, how can we get her off our backs?—Fed up fiancée
Dear Fed up fiancée,
As long as your fiancé lives in his parents’ house, he owes them the courtesy of calling to let them know if he will not be coming home for dinner, and if he decides to stay out all night.
However, your prospective mother-in-law appears to be having a major case of separation anxiety, and it is up to her son, your fiancé, to explain to her that he is an adult and she cannot expect to run his life anymore, especially after the two of you are married. If he is not able – or willing – to do so, and make it stick, I foresee more such problems in the future.
In the interest of maintaining family ties, I suggest you try to be patient with your future in-laws and spend a little more time with them. Right now your fiancé’s mother probably sees you as a rival trying to steal her little boy away from her.
If you can reassure her that you want a good relationship with her, it may help calm her down, and doing so will make things better for all concerned when your children – her grandchildren – come along.
Dear Queenie,
I am a married woman that is in love for the first time, but not with my husband.
I am very much in love with this other man and he is also madly in love with me.
Queenie, it hurts badly, because I care very much for my husband, but I just never was in love with him and he is okay with it. I was abused as a child and never knew what real love was until I met this other man.
I don’t want to hurt my husband, so I can’t leave him. And I can’t cheat because it’s wrong.
We tried to avoid each other. We even tried to pretend that we never met. But whenever we would see each other on the road, we both go crazy all over again. It hurts so badly, Queenie.
Queenie, please help us to get over each other.—Very confused
Dear Very confused,
You say you never knew real love, but it seems to me your husband has real love for you and you must really love him if you are unwilling to hurt him.
The “mad love” you are describing seems more like physical passion and/or a crush than real love. If you give it time, the feelings will fade. And, as you seem to be an honourable woman, I doubt whether you could be truly happy with this other man if your happiness was bought at the price of your husband’s pain.
The worst thing you could do is to give in to your passion, only to have the affair run its course and realise that you had sacrificed your marriage for it.
When you married you vowed to “forsake all others.” This did not mean that you would never again have feelings for anyone but your husband. It meant that even if you did, as in this case, you promised to turn away from the other man and remain faithful to the one you married.
Now it is time for you to keep that vow. As difficult as it may seem at the moment, I am sure you will find it rewarding in the long run.
Dear Queenie,
When I was a kid I used to think my parents were so mean! They wouldn’t let me do things I wanted to do or have toys I wanted so much or wear clothes like all my friends.
Now I’m grown up with kids of my own and every so often I surprise myself by telling my kids just the same things my parents used to tell me and I don’t think I’m being mean to them, but I wonder if they think so, the way I used to.
Queenie, what do you think of that?—Ex-kid
Dear Ex-kid,
We learn most of our parenting skills from our own parents. If, looking back, you think your parents did a pretty good job on you, you are probably on the right track with your own kids.
On the other hand, if, as an adult, you still think your parents treated you badly, you need to take a long hard look at the way you are raising your own children. You can still learn valuable lessons from the way your parents brought you up, but as an example to avoid rather than to follow.
If you have trouble breaking the patterns your parents set, counselling might help. So would parenting classes, if any are available on the island. If there are any, the Women’s Desk could probably help you find them.
