

Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine is getting married and invited me to be in her wedding party.
The thing is, the man she is marrying is a total jerk. He has no education and bad manners, he can’t hold a job and he takes out his troubles on her – he says whatever goes wrong is her fault and never because of anything he has done or not done or done wrong.
Queenie, how do I refuse her invitation without spoiling our friendship?—Disapproving friend
Dear Disapproving,
I am not sure you can have it both ways. You could try telling her you have a prior commitment that you simply cannot get out of, but your friend may well see through that excuse.
On the other hand, if you tell her what you have told me your friend probably will resent your “judgmental attitude” and the righter you are, the more she will resent it.
You might want to consider being there for her on her wedding day and praying that you are wrong about her fiancé.
Dear Queenie,
My father was an abusive alcoholic and our childhood was just terrible. Most of us have managed to forgive him, but one brother and one sister still don’t want anything to do with him.
Dad is getting old and senile and probably won’t live much longer.
Queenie, how can we get those two to forgive him and come visit him occasionally before it’s too late?—Grown-up sister
Dear Sister,
You probably cannot. Some people are capable of forgiving an abuser and some find it better to just cut him (or her) out of their lives – even if they manage to find forgiveness in their hearts. Let your siblings deal with their unhappy memories in whatever way they find best.
Dear Queenie,
My son-in-law is from another country where they speak a different language. He speaks English well enough, but he also talks to their young children in his native tongue and they talk to their parents in both language.
Queenie, I’m worried that they will grow up to be confused about what language to use when talking to people outside the family.—Monolingual
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend is still friends with his ex-wife and he thinks I should be too. I know her slightly and I don’t dislike her, but I don’t want to be friends with her.
Sometimes the three of us get together with a whole group of friends, which is okay with me, but I am not interested in hanging out just with her.
My boyfriend says I am being unreasonable. I say he is.
Queenie, how do I get my boyfriend to understand?—Not interested
Dear Not interested,
Frankly, I think what your boyfriend wants is just a bit weird.
Tell him what you have told me, and ask him why this is so important to him. Listen carefully to what he has to say. But if he has not convinced you, stick to your guns. Show him this column if you think it will help.
Dear Queenie,
I was invited to a wedding and sent my regrets immediately (this was a couple of months ahead) because I had another commitment, but a week later that previous event was cancelled so I called the wedding host right away and told them now I was free to attend, but the host said once I declined the invitation I could not change my mind.
Queenie, is that a rule of etiquette?—Invitation Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
No, it is not – that is, assuming you give the host(s) notice of your change of response well before their plans are finalised.
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