Dear Queenie,
I’m a college student with a part-time job tutoring a rich family’s children after school. Their mother wants them to get good grades so they can get into college and gets vexed at me when their grades aren’t as good as she wants.
Queenie, help! I don’t want to lose this job!—Under pressure
Dear Under pressure,
Explain to your students’ mother that your job is to teach her children how to do their schoolwork, not to do it for them or to stand over them and coach them through it step by step. Their job is to listen to and remember what you tell them and to put the information to use in doing their work for themselves.
Remind their mother that you will not be present to coach her children through their quizzes and exams in school or, when the time comes, their college entrance exams, so if she wants her children to go to college she had better find a way to motivate them to learn what they need to know and to do their schoolwork to the best of their ability – and to settle down and do the work instead of playing games and cruising on social media.
Dear Queenie,
My husband abuses me and our children. I know you will tell me to leave him before he really injures someone badly, but I love him and I don’t want to take the children away from their daddy. I have tried to get him to go to counselling with me, but he says there’s nothing wrong with him so why bother.
Queenie, help!—Abused wife
Dear Wife,
I simply cannot understand how anyone can love someone who abuses them, but I hear that excuse all the time. I guess it has something to do with the way they were brought up, that they come to accept abuse as some weird expression of love.
The only help I can give you is my usual advice to abuse victims: GET OUT! If you need help doing so, call Safe Haven (office tel. 9277, 24-hour hotline number: 9333 or (721) 523-6400, e-mail address: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. , Facebook: SafeHavenSt.Maarten).
There is a remote possibility that your leaving might convince your husband that there is something wrong with him and motivate him to get help, but do not count on that happening.
Dear Queenie,
I work at night, so I pick up my kids at school in the afternoon while my wife is still at work at her daytime job. There is a woman I met while we were waiting to pick up our kids and she suggested that we get together some time for coffee.
I’m thinking of going out with her, because I really, really like her and my marriage isn’t all that great these days.
Queenie, should I?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
What you should do is make sure this woman knows you are married, not single or divorced, and see whether her offer is still open. If it is, you will know she is the kind of woman who does not mind interfering in someone else’s marriage, which may (I hope) change the way you feel about her.
Either way, you should turn down her offer and work with your wife on whatever is wrong in your marriage.
Dear Queenie,
In my husband’s family they always say “Love you” instead of “Goodbye” or “So long.” For me it takes all the meaning out of the words and when my husband tells me he loves me it’s just as if he is saying “Goodbye” or “So long,” which is not a nice feeling.
Queenie, how do I get past this?—Annoyed wife
Dear Wife,
In some families that phrase is a constant expression of the affection they feel for one another. However, their constant usage of it may seem to diminish its meaning.
Does your husband tell you, “Love you” or “Ï love you”? If it is not already the latter, perhaps you can get him to use that phrase especially for you. It is amazing what a big difference the smallest letter of the alphabet can make.
Dear Queenie,
My sister is a world-class snoop. Every time she visits us, if we don’t keep a close eye on her she will go through our things – not just like medicine cabinet and kitchen cupboards, but closets, desk and bureau drawers, night table, even the pockets of clothes she finds lying around. Then she gossips about whatever she finds to whoever will listen.
We found out about it when someone she gossiped to mentioned something to us and when we asked how they knew about it they said she told them.
Queenie, is there any way to put a stop to this?—Offended sibling
Dear Sibling,
Well, you could put locks on all your drawers, closets, cupboards, etc.
Or you could make up a lot of little notes saying, “Hey, Sis, mind your own f***ing business” and put them everywhere you think she might stick her nose into – but probably not if you want her to ever speak to you again.
Or you could make sure that whenever Sis is in your house you or your spouse is right there next to her keeping an eye on her, although that might be awkward when Sis goes to the bathroom.
Or you could have a heart-to-heart conversation with her about how offended you are by her snooping, for whatever good it might do.
The only other thing I can think of is to bar her from your house completely – and, if necessary, explain to any other members of your family your reason for doing so.
