Dear Queenie,
I’ve been a widow for many years and I kept from being lonely by staying close to my children and grandchildren – visiting back and forth and always available for babysitting and so on.
But all that changed recently when I met a man I like very much. We dated for a while and gradually got closer and closer until now we are “together” as they say nowadays.
The problem is, my children aren’t happy about the change in my life. You’d think they would be glad that I am happy again, but they say they don’t like him and I should be ashamed of the way I am behaving.
I don’t want to be estranged from my children and cut off from my grandchildren, but I don’t want to lose this new relationship either.
Queenie, what can I do?—Caught in between
Dear Caught,
I suspect your children are comparing your new boyfriend unfavourably to their deceased father (and their memories of him may be enhanced by loss and the passage of time). They also may fear the loss of a free babysitter if your grandchildren are still young enough to need one.
You have every right live happily. Do not let your children control your life. Make it plain to them that they do not have to like your boyfriend, but they do have to accept him and be civil to him. Hopefully, their attitude will change with time as they get to know him better.
Dear Queenie,
My brother has a kind of cancer that eventually will kill him and when someone asks me how is he, I tell them he is dying of cancer. Then my parents get upset and say it sounds like I want to get rid of him.
Queenie, the plain fact is that he’s going to die and it’s the cancer that will kill him. What’s wrong with saying so?—Cancer victim’s sister
Dear Sister,
What is wrong is that to your parents you make it sound like your brother is already at death’s door. The fact of the matter is that at this point your brother is living with a cancer that will kill him some day, but probably not tomorrow or the next day – possibly not ever, if researchers find a way to cure his type of cancer before then.
A better response to questions about your brother is that he has cancer, but for now he is doing as well as can be expected.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter is going with a man I just do not approve of. He has no education, a record of domestic abuse and several children by different women that he does not even try to support.
I have tried to tell her all this but she just won’t listen to me.
Queenie, what more can I do?—Worried mother
Dear Mother,
If your daughter will not listen to anything negative about this man there is not much more you can do now. But keep in close touch with her and be as supportive as you can, because she is surely going to learn a hard lesson and need your support at some time in the future.
Dear Queenie,
My brother is an alcoholic who has a habit of calling on the phone when he’s drunk. I can tell he’s been drinking because of the way he acts, the kind of things he says and the way he talks, mumbling and slurring his words, etc.
Queenie, how can I get him not to call me when he’s drunk?—Fed up brother
Dear Brother,
You cannot stop him from calling you, but when you realise what condition he is in you can cut the call short.
If you want to be nice about it, just tell him, “Sorry, I have to run (or some other excuse like “Someone’s at the door” or “My food on the stove is burning”).
If you want to be truthful about it, tell him, “Sorry, I cannot understand a word you are saying. Call me back when you are sober.” Or you can just hang up on him and explain why later when he sobers up.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter’s boyfriend always calls me “Bro” even though I have told him my first name and asked him to use it. He just says he calls everyone “Bro” and no one else has a problem with it.
Queenie, am I just being old-fashioned?—Offended
Dear Offended,
Unless your daughter and her boyfriend have a very close relationship, I have to wonder why he does not call you “Mr. Whatever-your-name-is.”
That being said, I also wonder whether this young man is too rude to use your name as requested or just too stupid to remember it. Either way, it does not speak well for the way he will treat your daughter in the future. Meanwhile, put up with him for your daughter’s sake.
