Dear Queenie,
My son’s fiancée has teenage children and we have always done all we can to make them all feel like part of our family. But when they opened their Christmas gifts last year they just looked at them and put them down and never even said “Thank you”, and when I sent her a Mother’s Day card she said she doesn’t celebrate Mother’s Day anymore since her own mother died. And when she was in the hospital for a few days I sent her flowers, but she threw them away because they were not her favorite.
When they got engaged I sent an engagement gift, but my son says she never even opened it. When they came to visit us I offered to help with the wedding plans, but she just said she would be making her own plans, not even “Thank you for the offer.”
Queenie, what are we doing wrong?—Puzzled parents
Dear Parents,
You are not doing anything wrong. Your son’s fiancée just seems rather rude and a little bit mean.
Continue to be pleasant to her, but do not try to be close to her so she does not feel overpowered, keep your suggestions and opinions about the wedding to yourself, and try to find things to compliment her about.
She is likely to be a difficult daughter-in-law. Hopefully, your son can get her to lighten up.
Dear Queenie,
My parents were both married before and both of them have children from their previous marriages. My mother’s ex-husband had custody of their daughter so I never got to know her very well, but I grew up with my father’s children from his previous marriage and we all are very close.
Now I’m getting married and it’s going to be a very small wedding, just immediate family, including my father’s other children, and a few very close friends. I don’t really want to invite my mother’s other daughter, but I don’t want to upset my mother by leaving her out.
Queenie, what do you say?—Can’t decide
Dear Can’t decide,
Let your mother decide. As the two of you are not close, your half-sister may not choose to attend, and if she does attend it will be only one more person.
Dear Queenie,
Whatever I say to her, my sister finds an insult in it. When I said we would have to wait many years to find out whether a certain prediction would come true, she took it to mean I don’t care whether she lives that long. When I said we should limit our holiday celebrations to immediate family because it’s getting to be too many people, she took it to mean I hate her in-laws and don’t want them there.
Then she complains to our brother about how mean I am to her and stops speaking to me until I apologize.
Queenie, how do I make her understand I don’t mean anything against her?—Misunderstood sister
Dear Sister,
It seems to me your sister knows perfectly well what you mean to say and do not mean, but is deliberately looking for reasons to take offence.
When you apologise, do not say you are sorry for what you said. Do not even say you are sorry she misunderstood you, because she probably will take it to mean you think she is too stupid to understand what you say. Just tell her you are sorry her feelings got hurt and let it go at that. Then, if she wants to continue to sulk about it, leave her alone to do so.
Dear Queenie,
I like to make things out of wood, and a friend of mine who stops by to visit while I am working at it often asks me if I’ll make him something like that for a wedding present, and I always tell him, “When I get an invitation to the wedding.”
Well, he got married and I didn’t get invited.
He still stops by sometimes and once when I was making a toy for a child he asked if I would make one for his new baby.
Queenie, I have never mentioned not being invited to the wedding. How should I answer this?—Insulted
Dear Insulted,
Just say, “When I get an invitation to his (or her) birthday party.”
As for the wedding, is it possible that the happy couple had a very small wedding, perhaps family only, possibly for financial reasons that they would prefer not to discuss?
Dear Queenie,
I am in college and earn money taking care of some people’s children after school while they are still at work. My problem is that the parents do not always come home promptly after work without telling me in advance and I have missed some evening classes or appointments because of them being so late.
I like these people and their kids, but their lateness is causing me serious problems.
Queenie, what to do?—Babysitter
Dear Babysitter,
You are working for these people, not doing them a favour. To begin with, charge them extra when they are late getting home.
Let them know in advance when you have a class or an appointment scheduled for after the time they are due home, and arrange for a substitute (who also will want to be paid) to cover for you if they are late. And tell them you will have to stop working for them if they continue to cause you this kind of problem.
