Dear Queenie,
I was dating a boy I thought I knew pretty well, so I let things go too far and when I finally told him to stop he wouldn’t. Afterward when I was crying he said it was my fault because I waited until he couldn’t control himself before I told him to stop.
He said if I tried to claim he had raped me he would tell everyone what really happened and then everyone would know what a slut I am.
I just want to forget the whole thing, but my mother found me crying and made me tell her why and now she wants me to go to the police and file a complaint, but I am afraid of what that boy might say about me in court and what stories he might tell around.
Queenie, should I do what my mother says?—Rape victim
Dear Rape victim,
It is typical of a rapist to try to blame his victim for his own lack of self-control. That does not make what he says true. To the contrary, he is just adding insult to injury.
Absolutely, you should do what your mother says! You may never be able to forget being raped, but if you stand up for yourself you will feel better about yourself in the long run. If you don’t, you will forever feel like a victim.
Furthermore, if this boy is allowed to get away with raping you, there is no telling how many other girls he will victimise in the future. You owe it to them as well as to yourself to try to see that he is made to pay for what he has done.
However, you do not have to go through this alone. Call Safe Haven, tel. 9333. They will help you with counselling and moral support in this difficult time. They will even give you shelter if this boy tries to frighten you into silence.
Dear Queenie,
I’m 18 years old and I want to go to college, but I have to go to work to help take care of my younger brothers and sisters because my father doesn’t have any money because he spends it all on drugs and my mother lost her job because she started using drugs too.
Us kids live with our Grandma and our uncle, but our uncle has been molesting me and I’m afraid he will rape me if I stay in the house, but if I move out he may start in on my sisters.
I told Grandma about him, but she is afraid to say anything to him because he might move out and then she wouldn’t have any money for her and us kids to live on.
Queenie, how can I keep my uncle away from me and my sisters and get my parents to stop using drugs and take care of us?—Worn out with worry
Dear Worn out,
You can’t solve your parents’ problems. They will have to do that for themselves.
Ask your sisters to tell you if your uncle tries to molest them and tell your uncle you will report him to the police if he molests you any more and/or if he bothers your sisters. If he still molests you, go to the police at once, and call Safe Haven if you need help in coping with him.
Safe Haven and/or the Women’s Desk can help you get counselling to learn to cope with your problems. The Labour Office can help you find a job so you can help your grandmother financially if your uncle stops contributing.
They may also be able to help your grandmother to get other financial assistance for your younger siblings; perhaps have child support withheld from your father’s wages, if he has a job, before he has a chance to spend the money on drugs.
Even if you can’t go to school full time because you are working, you can take some courses part-time and/or at night to continue your education. Ask the university admissions office and the Women’s Desk for advice about that. Perhaps the university can also help you find a job that will allow you to continue your studies. It wouldn’t hurt to ask.
Dear Readers,
I have received a number of e-mails asking me for information on heart attacks.
My research indicates as follows:
First: Indications of a heart attack. Some heart attacks are sudden and intense – the “movie heart attack” where no one doubts what’s happening. But most heart attacks involve discomfort in the centre of the chest that lasts more than a few minutes, or that goes away and comes back.
It can feel like uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness or pain. Symptoms can include pain or discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw or stomach, and shortness of breath that may occur with or without chest discomfort. Other signs may include breaking out in a cold sweat, nausea or light-headedness.
If you or someone you’re with has chest discomfort, especially with one or more of the other signs, don’t wait longer than a few minutes (no more than five) before calling for help. If you can’t access the emergency medical services (EMS), drive the person to the hospital right away.
If you’re the one having symptoms and you’re all alone, don’t drive yourself. Call for help, take an aspirin and sit quietly until help arrives. If you’re driving, pull over! You could cause a serious accident if you continue driving and pass out.
This is where “cough CPR” comes into it. It is an experimental procedure that can help in certain types of heart attacks if done properly, but could actually be dangerous in others. I would say it should only be tried without professional help if you are alone and you feel yourself passing out. If it doesn’t help, don’t keep it up. You probably won’t be able to anyway, as you will have passed out.
It is important to note that this is an experimental procedure that is not endorsed or taught by the American Heart Association, my source of most of the information for this particular column. For more information on the subject of heart attacks and coronary health, visit the AHA Website:
Dear Queenie,
I am 20 years old and don’t have any kids. Lately I have noticed spider veins on my leg that make me feel very uncomfortable when I am wearing certain clothes.
None of my family members I know of have this.
I asked my doctor and she said the only way to get rid of them is through surgery, which is expensive.
Queenie, do you have any information concerning spider veins?—Worried
Dear Worried,
I am not writing a medical advice column, so readers, please take note: Writing a letter to Queenie is not a good substitute for a trip to your doctor’s office. In this case, I recommend going to another doctor for a second opinion.
Spider veins are those small, unsightly clusters of super-fine red, blue or purple veins that most commonly appear on the thighs, calves and ankles. Obviously, they are more apparent on a light-skinned person than someone with dark skin.
According to my information, there are various treatments for spider veins, including treatment with laser or by injection of a solution that causes them to disappear or become much smaller. Some treatments are more effective than others and some more expensive. There is about a 50-90% chance for a greatly improved appearance. There are some possible side effects.
A number of factors contribute to the development of spider veins, including heredity; pregnancy and other events that cause hormonal shifts; weight gain; occupations or activities that require prolonged sitting or standing; and the use of certain medications.
There are several easy things you can do to help prevent spider veins (and varicose veins) and to relieve any discomfort the ones you have may cause:
Protect your skin from the sun by wearing sunscreen.
Exercise regularly to improve your leg strength, circulation, and vein strength. Focus on exercises that work your legs, such as walking or running.
Control your weight to avoid placing too much pressure on your legs.
Do not cross your legs when sitting. Try to elevate your legs when resting.
Do not stand for long periods of time. If you must do so, shift your weight from one leg to the other every few minutes. If you have to sit for long periods of time, stand up and move around or take a short walk approximately every 30 minutes.
Wear elastic support stockings, but avoid clothing that is too tight or that will constrict your waist, groin, or legs.
Make sure to include high-fiber foods in your diet, as constipation can contribute to spider and varicose veins. High fiber foods include fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains, like bran.
Control your salt intake. Salt, or sodium, can cause you to retain water or swell.
Dear Queenie,
I have been married for 5 years and we have a darling little boy 2 years old. My husband is everything I ever wanted and I know he loves me. He has a good job and he helps me whenever I ask him to and he comes straight home from work and almost never goes out without me, but I still suspect him of cheating on me.
I imagine all sorts of ways he could be doing it, like taking time off from work or sneaking out when I am asleep or when I am busy taking care of our son. I have no good reason for thinking these things, but I make them up in my head and then when I am all upset I accuse him.
He swears he would never do such a thing and says I must be crazy to think that way.
Queenie, why do I do this? Do you think I am crazy?—Jealous wife
Dear Jealous wife,
In this part of the world, where male promiscuity is taken for granted, a wife can be forgiven for occasional fits of suspicion about her husband.
However, you say you have no reason to think your husband is cheating on you, and from your description of your life he has very little opportunity.
I think you may have very low self-esteem coupled with a very vivid imagination. And perhaps you come from a home where such cheating as you imagine was commonplace, so you expect all men to behave the way your father did.
I suggest you go for counselling to learn why you have these feelings and how to control them. It would probably help if your husband would go with you, to learn to understand your jealousy and help you cope with it.
Please try to get yourself under control soon, before your husband decides that if he is going to have to take the blame, he might as well also have the game.
