Dear Queenie,
There is someone in my family WhatsApp group who treats every message like the opening scene of a police investigation. No matter what anyone posts, the questions begin immediately. If I say: “Went to Philipsburg today.” The response is: “What for?” If I mention a doctor's appointment: “What happened?” If I post a photo from a restaurant: “Who you with?” If I say I'm travelling: “Where exactly?” “With who?” “For how long?” “Which hotel?” At this point, I am surprised she doesn't ask for flight numbers and passport details. The funny thing is that she seems completely unaware of how intrusive it feels. According to her, she is simply interested in the family. Meanwhile, the rest of us have started sharing less and less because we know every innocent update will trigger an interrogation. Queenie, how do you tell someone that curiosity is one thing, but running background checks on your relatives is another? —Under Investigation Since 2021
Dear Under Investigation Since 2021,
Every family has one. The auntie. The cousin. The sibling. The self-appointed Director of Intelligence and Domestic Affairs. To be fair, these people are rarely trying to be nosy. At least not entirely. Many genuinely believe they are showing interest and staying connected. The problem is that there is a fine line between: “How was your trip?” and “Please provide a detailed itinerary and list of all attendees.” Your family detective has crossed that line so many times she can no longer see it. What makes the behaviour exhausting is not the individual questions. It is the accumulation. Every update becomes paperwork. Every photograph requires supporting documentation. Every casual remark becomes a deposition. The natural result is that people begin sharing less. Not because they are hiding anything. But because they are tired. Now, should you confront her? Probably not dramatically. Family detectives tend to view resistance as evidence. The more you object, the more convinced they become that they are onto something. Instead, master the art of the vague answer. “Just some errands.” “Nothing exciting.” “A few friends.” “Everything is fine.” These responses are the conversational equivalent of feeding the ducks without encouraging them to follow you home. And remember: Not every question requires an answer. One of adulthood’s greatest freedoms is learning that “I’d rather not say” is a complete sentence. Because while curiosity can strengthen relationships, constant interrogation usually achieves the opposite. And if your family detective complains that nobody tells her anything anymore? Well. That mystery may simply have to remain unsolved. —Queenie
