Dear Queenie,
My sister-in-law was recently asked to organise a family meal. When I say “organise”, I mean somebody needed to tell everyone: “We're eating at 2:00pm. Bring something.” That’s basically how our family gatherings have always worked. We don’t make menus. Nobody coordinates side dishes. You bring whatever you feel like making. Sometimes we end up with three trays of macaroni pie and no vegetables. Nobody dies. In fact, that’s part of the fun. Apparently my sister-in-law has decided this system lacks governance. First came the WhatsApp poll asking what everyone planned to bring. Then individual messages: “Are you definitely bringing chicken?” “What kind of rice?” “Is anyone doing a vegetable?” “We already have two desserts.” Then she started assigning things. Someone is responsible for ice. Someone else apparently has a drinks portfolio. One person has been asked to bring serving spoons. There is now discussion about what time certain dishes should arrive so everything can be served at the correct temperature. Queenie, we are eating at somebody’s house. This is not the opening of a resort. The problem is that she gets genuinely annoyed when people don’t respond to her messages. Half the family has muted the group chat. One uncle replied to the poll with a thumbs-up, which apparently wasn’t one of the available options. Now she’s complaining that nobody appreciates how much work she’s putting into organising everything. But nobody asked her to put in this much work! How do we tell our family project manager that sometimes the plan really can just be: Come. Bring food. Eat. —Please Remove Me From the Committee
Dear Please Remove Me From the Committee,
Some people hear: “Can you organize lunch?” And understand: Tell everybody when to come. Other people hear the same sentence and immediately open a spreadsheet. Your sister-in-law is an Uber Planner. These people mean well. They are efficient. They are prepared. And given sufficient time, they can turn a beach lime into an international summit. The problem isn’t that she’s organising. It’s that she’s organising people who never agreed to be organised. Your family’s tradition already has a system. It is called: Bring Something. Is it efficient? No. Could you end up with four potato salads? Absolutely. But perhaps the unpredictability is part of what everyone enjoys. Your sister-in-law, however, sees four potato salads and thinks: Failure of strategic planning. Neither approach is inherently wrong. The mistake was putting an Uber Planner in charge without defining what “in charge” meant. So somebody needs to tell her – preferably the person who asked her to organise – that she can stand down. Something like: “You don’t need to coordinate the menu. Just make sure everyone has the time and place. People will bring whatever they want, like we normally do.” Then let her experience the discomfort of not knowing whether vegetables are coming. She may survive. As for the family, don’t punish her for trying. Answer the essential questions. Ignore the unnecessary polls. And don’t engage in a 14-message discussion about whether Auntie is bringing baked chicken or stewed chicken. Most importantly, if she complains that nobody is cooperating, remind her gently: You cannot create a committee... then become angry because nobody knew they had joined one. Let the family gathering be slightly chaotic. Let two people bring the same thing. Let somebody arrive late carrying a dish nobody requested. That’s family. And if you end up with three trays of macaroni pie? Queenie fails to see the emergency. —Queenie
