Dear Queenie,
I have a guilty pleasure that I'm slightly ashamed to admit. I love it when my partner goes away. Not permanently! We have a good relationship. I love him, enjoy his company and am genuinely happy when he comes home. But when he tells me he has a trip coming up, somewhere deep inside me a little woman starts celebrating. The minute he leaves, I become a different person. I eat whatever I feel like eating. If dinner is popcorn and cheese, nobody needs to understand. I watch exactly what I want on television without negotiating or hearing: "What are you watching?" I declutter without anyone asking why I'm throwing something away. Sometimes I spend an entire weekend at home and barely speak to another human being. I sleep when I want. The house stays exactly as I left it. I don't have to consider anyone else's schedule, meals, plans or preferences. And it is glorious. The strange thing is that I don't use the time to go out and party or do anything I couldn't do while he's here. Mostly I just... exist. By myself. Then, after a few days, I start missing him. By the time he comes home, I'm genuinely excited to see him and somehow feel more affectionate and patient. I feel refreshed. But I also feel guilty. Surely if you're happily partnered, your favourite moment shouldn't be watching your partner's suitcase disappear through the door? Am I secretly happier alone? Or worse, am I a bad partner? —Please Go Away, I Love You
Dear Please Go Away, I Love You
You may be disappointed to learn that Queenie sees very little guilt in your guilty pleasure. You love your partner. You also enjoy being alone. These are not opposing conditions. In fact, the most interesting thing in your letter isn't that you're happy when he leaves. It's why. When you're alone, you temporarily stop considering another person. That's different from wanting another person gone. Living with someone involves hundreds of tiny accommodations we barely notice. What are we eating? Are you watching this? Do you need the bathroom? Are we going anywhere today? Can I throw this away? Why did you throw that away? Even in a happy relationship, another human being occupies mental space. When he travels, that space suddenly becomes yours again. You don't have to coordinate. You don't even have to explain why you've been lying on the sofa for three hours watching television while eating something that cannot reasonably be classified as dinner. That can be restorative. And your behaviour after these separations tells you something useful. You aren't dreading his return. You aren't wishing the flight would be cancelled. You start missing him, and when he comes home you're refreshed and happy to see him. That sounds less like: "I want out of this relationship." and more like: "I need solitude occasionally." So perhaps stop treating alone time as something that can only happen when an airline removes your partner from the island. Build some of it into ordinary life. You can have an evening where each of you does your own thing. You can spend a Saturday at home while he goes out. You can even occupy different rooms without declaring a constitutional crisis in the relationship. Couples do not have to consume all leisure time jointly to prove that they love each other. There is one caution. If you eventually notice that you're miserable when he's home, constantly irritated by his presence and happiest only when he's gone, that's worth examining. But that's not the relationship you've described. You've described someone who occasionally likes having the remote control, the refrigerator and her own brain entirely to herself. So wave goodbye. Close the door. Eat your strange dinner. Declutter responsibly. And enjoy the silence without guilt. Sometimes absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes it just gives the heart a few days to veg out undisturbed. —Queenie
