Dear Queenie,
I recently discovered my 13-year-old daughter reading LGBT-themed books. I don't mean that I went searching through her things. I happened to notice what she was reading, and when I looked into the books, I realized some of the characters and stories deal with same-sex attraction and LGBT identity. I immediately became worried. I am Catholic and my faith is important to me. I have tried to raise my daughter with the values and beliefs I grew up with, so part of me wonders whether she is being influenced by what she is reading. Is she questioning her sexuality? Is this simply what teenagers are reading now? If I tell her I don't want her reading these books, will I make the subject more attractive or make her feel she has to hide things from me? And then there is the part of me that feels guilty for even being worried. She is my child. If she eventually tells me that she is gay or bisexual, I don't want her to believe that my religion means I love her less. At the same time, I don't want to pretend my faith doesn't matter to me just because some of its teachings may become difficult to navigate as she gets older. She hasn't actually told me anything about herself. For all I know, she simply likes the books. How do I remain true to my beliefs while making sure my daughter knows that she can always come to me? —Faithful but Worried
Dear Faithful but Worried,
Start with the fact you actually know: Your daughter is reading books. Everything after that is speculation. A 13-year-old can read about a gay character without being gay, just as she can read about someone from another country, religion or family structure without adopting that identity. Books are one of the ways young people encounter lives different from their own. And if she is privately wondering about her sexuality, confiscating the books won't answer the question. It may simply teach her that this is one subject she shouldn't discuss with you. That's the part I'd pay closest attention to. You are trying to balance two things you consider important: your Catholic faith and your relationship with your daughter. Don't manufacture a confrontation between them before one actually exists. You don't need to sit her down and announce: "I saw what you're reading. Are you gay?" At 13, that could turn an ordinary book into an interrogation. Instead, remain interested in what she reads generally. Ask what she likes about a book. Talk about the characters. Let conversations about relationships, identity, kindness, sex and values happen naturally as she grows. You can also be honest about your faith without making your child responsible for resolving every tension within it. If the subject arises, you can say: "My faith is important to me, and there are teachings I take seriously. But you are my daughter, and there is nothing you could tell me about yourself that would make me stop loving you or being your mother." That doesn't require you to have every theological question settled in advance. It does establish something your daughter needs to know. And remember that "influence" works in many directions. Your daughter is already influenced by family, religion, school, friends, social media, music, books and the wider world. Parenting a teenager isn't about eliminating every influence you didn't choose. Increasingly, it's about helping her think critically about what she encounters. So read too. Learn what young people are encountering. If you want guidance from your faith community, seek out someone capable of discussing sexuality, adolescence and Catholic teaching with compassion rather than fear. But don't turn a bookshelf into evidence. Right now, you have a 13-year-old who reads and a mother who wants her to grow up knowing she can come home with difficult questions. Protect that. Because whatever your daughter eventually needs to tell you, about sexuality, relationships, mistakes, heartbreak or anything else, you want her first thought to be: "I can talk to my mother." Not: “I need to hide this book.” —Queenie
