Dear Queenie,
I got myself in big problems the other day. I don’t know where to turn so I thought I would ask you.
You see, my neighbor had this crazy dog that barked the whole night, every night. One night I couldn’t stand it anymore, so while my wife and kids were sleeping I thought I would cook up my “special” rat poison surprise cake.
When I gave it to the dog, he seemed happy to eat it. So the dog died and my neighbor had this whole candle ceremony burial with his kids in the yard. I didn’t feel bad at all until I found out that I lost my wedding ring. I suspect that I dropped it in the cake and dog must have eaten it!
Now my wife is suspicious, as I’m not wearing my ring anymore. And I can’t tell her the truth because she’s a big Discovery Channel-watching animal lover. In addition to this she believes in omens and losing the ring would mean to her that we were not meant to be.
What makes matters worse is that my neighbor is a massive dude who’s in an enforcement profession.
Queenie, I love my wife. Do you think I should dig up the dog and find my ring?—Need help
Dear Need help,
Your story sounds suspiciously familiar, but I’ll accept it at face value.
First, the dog: Shame on you! Why didn’t you just go to your neighbour and ask him to keep his dog quiet at night? And if that didn’t work, a pair of earplugs would have solved the problem. To destroy someone’s obviously beloved pet was unconscionably uncivilised and cruel. If I knew who you are, I would report you to your massive neighbour myself!
As for your wife, she has every right to be angry at you for losing your ring, but such things happen to women as well as men. Sooner or later you will have to admit you lost your wedding ring, so the sooner you ’fess up, the less trouble you will be in. However, you needn’t tell her how you lost it.
If she is really as superstitious as you say, you might ask a clergyman or other person she trusts to reassure her. And if you get a replacement, make sure you don’t lose it!
And no, I don’t recommend digging around in your neighbour’s yard looking for the ring. If you get caught, which is likely, you will have to explain what you are doing and why you think the ring might be in his yard, and I’m sure you don’t want to do that.
