Dear Queenie,
I recently volunteered my professional skills for a community event. I was happy to do it. It was my contribution to something worthwhile, and I neither expected nor asked for payment. Afterwards, one of the co-organisers gave me a gift as a thank-you. It was a kind gesture. Unfortunately, the gift doesn't suit me at all. Wrong taste. Wrong lifestyle. Just not something I would have chosen or will probably use. But I thanked her sincerely because I appreciated the thought behind it. I thought that was the end of it. Apparently not. The woman has now started contacting a mutual friend to find out whether I “really” like the gift. The mutual friend then contacts me. I finally admitted to her that no, the gift isn't really me, but I appreciate the gesture. Now this friend is pressuring me to go back to the giver and make a big production about how much I absolutely love it. I don't. And pretending that I do simply to give someone additional validation feels dishonest. Perhaps I'm being stubborn, but I also volunteered work that would have cost quite a bit had they hired someone professionally. I did it willingly as community service. The gift was appreciated, but I don't feel I now owe anyone an Oscar-worthy performance of gratitude. At this point, I'm so irritated that I'm considering returning it. Queenie, when did saying "thank you" stop being enough? —Grateful, Not Performing
Dear Grateful, Not Performing,
Put the gift down. Step away from the return counter. Because returning it now would transform a slightly irritating situation into an unnecessarily dramatic one. You have already done what good manners require. Someone gave you a gift. You thanked them. That should have been the end of the transaction. Gratitude does not require enthusiasm on demand. Nor does accepting a gift create an obligation to convince the giver that they possess extraordinary insight into your tastes. What seems to be happening here is that the giver wants reassurance. Perhaps she spent considerable time choosing the gift. Perhaps she is worried she got it wrong. Perhaps your natural response was more restrained than she expected. Whatever the reason, she has now recruited a third person to conduct a customer satisfaction survey. That's where this becomes uncomfortable. Your mutual friend should not be pressuring you to manufacture a reaction either. There is a difference between: "That was very thoughtful of you. Thank you." and: "OH MY GOODNESS! I LOVE IT! IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE!" If the second statement isn't true, you don't need to perform it. I would also separate the gift from the work you contributed. You volunteered because you chose to serve your community. The gift was an expression of appreciation. Neither creates a debt to the other. And please don't start calculating what your professional fee would have been against the value of the gift. That's how a gesture of goodwill accidentally becomes an invoice. If the giver asks you directly whether you like it, be gracious without lying: "I really appreciated you thinking of me." Perfectly true. No further review required. And if the mutual friend calls again seeking a five-star rating? Tell her the gratitude department has closed the file. Because sometimes a simple “thank you” really does mean thank you. Not: Please contact me within seven working days to confirm that my gratitude remains satisfactory. —Queenie
