Dear Queenie,
I recently moved to Beacon Hill and, so far, I love my new neighbourhood. I also have a lovely couple living next door. They're friendly, quiet, pleasant neighbours. There is just one problem. One of them gardens. A lot. Shirtless. Queenie, this man looks like somebody ordered an Adonis and selected express shipping. The first time I noticed him, I thought: Well. Good for him. The second time, I somehow found something that urgently needed doing outside. Now I apparently have the most carefully maintained front entrance in Beacon Hill. I hear activity next door and suddenly I'm outside sweeping something that does not need sweeping. Checking a plant. Moving a chair. Inspecting the weather. Last week I stood outside pretending to examine a leaf. One leaf. There is more. I dreamed about him. Not a gardening dream either. I woke up thinking: Excuse me, subconscious. What exactly are we doing? Here's the catch. My gorgeous neighbour is gay. He lives with his male partner. And I am a woman. I know perfectly well that nothing is going to happen. I wouldn't interfere with anybody's relationship p anyway, regardless of their sexuality. But now I'm confused. If I'm genuinely sexually attracted to a gay man, what does that say about my sexuality? Am I discovering something about myself that I didn't know? Or am I simply a straight woman behaving disgracefully around a very beautiful unavailable man? Please advise before I start washing the driveway. —Gardening Enthusiast
Dear Gardening Enthusiast,
Put down the hose. Your driveway has done nothing to deserve this. Let's deal with the part that has apparently caused an identity crisis. A gay man is still a man. Your neighbour's sexual orientation tells you who he is attracted to. It does not change his sex, erase the physical characteristics you find attractive, or somehow make your attraction to him evidence that you're attracted to women. If you're a woman who is attracted to men and you see an exceptionally attractive man, your brain does not conduct a preliminary eligibility assessment: Male? Yes. Handsome? Extremely. Available to women? No. CANCEL ATTRACTION. Unfortunately, the human libido does not operate with that level of administrative efficiency. You can be attracted to someone who would never be attracted to you. Straight people develop crushes on gay people. Gay people sometimes find straight people attractive. People fancy married people, celebrities, strangers and occasionally someone they absolutely cannot stand once that person takes off a shirt. Attraction is not a contract. And one crush certainly doesn't require you to immediately rewrite your sexual identity. If you begin noticing a broader pattern of attraction that genuinely makes you question how you've understood your sexuality, that's something you can explore without panic or urgency. But: "My gay male neighbour is built like a Greek statue and apparently my eyes work" is not, by itself, a sexuality crisis. There is, however, another matter before the court. The leaf. Your neighbour is entitled to garden in his yard without unknowingly becoming the afternoon entertainment. A glance? Human. Noticing he's gorgeous? Human. An occasional appreciative thought? Also human. Developing an elaborate outdoor maintenance programme timed to coincide with his shirtless gardening? Madam. We are approaching surveillance with landscaping benefits. Enjoy your harmless crush, behave yourself, and allow the poor man to prune his bougainvillea without you suddenly discovering that the same three paving stones need sweeping again. And if another dream happens? Dreams are free. Just don't wake up and buy a pressure washer. —Queenie
