Dear Queenie,
An old coworker recently contacted me with a request that has left me feeling very uncomfortable. He wants me to speak to our former employer and ask them to hire him back. The thing is, he didn't leave on good terms. To be fair to him, he was dealing with some serious health issues at the time, along with other personal challenges. Those struggles undoubtedly contributed to the way things ended. Since then, I've moved on to another job, but I've maintained a very good relationship with our former employer. I think that's exactly why he reached out to me. He believes I might be able to open a door that is currently closed. Part of me feels for him. He's unemployed. He has children to support. Everyone deserves a second chance. But another part of me remembers why things became so difficult in the first place. I know the problems weren't imagined. I also feel he's put me in an awkward position. If I refuse, I feel heartless. If I speak on his behalf and things go badly, I could damage a relationship that I've worked hard to maintain. Queenie, do I owe him a favour because I know his circumstances, or is it okay to protect my own reputation? —Caught in the Middle
Dear Caught in the Middle,
Your former coworker hasn't asked you for a reference. He's asked you to spend something far more valuable. Your credibility. Every recommendation is, in effect, a small loan of trust. You're saying, "I believe in this person enough that I'm willing to attach my name to theirs." That's not something you owe anyone. Now, I don't doubt your former coworker has had a difficult time. Health problems can affect performance. Personal struggles can derail careers. People do deserve second chances. But second chances are not the same as guaranteed endorsements. You mention something important almost in passing: "I know he is an issue." That sentence tells me your hesitation isn't based solely on how he left. It's based on what you know about working with him. So perhaps there's a middle ground. Instead of lobbying for his return, you could encourage him to contact the employer himself, acknowledge what happened, explain what has changed, and ask whether they'd be willing to reconsider. That's his conversation to have. Not yours. If you genuinely believe he has grown and would now make a good employee, then a brief note saying, "He reached out to me. I know he went through a difficult period, and I hope things have improved for him," is one thing. But don't promise what you can't stand behind. And don't become his advocate simply because you feel sorry for him. Compassion should never require you to gamble with your own integrity. Remember this: A bridge is built over time. It can also carry too much weight. Before you ask your former employer to trust someone again, ask yourself one question: If this person were hired because of your recommendation, would you feel completely comfortable having your name attached to the outcome? If the answer isn't a confident yes... then you've already got your answer. —Queenie
