Dear Queenie,
A distant relative of mine committed a crime and was convicted and sentenced for it. I was never close to that person and never knew anything about what they were doing until it all got made public.
Sometimes someone who knows we are related will ask me how I feel about that relative and what they did.
Queenie, what’s a good way to answer such questions without bad-mouthing my relative but still making it clear that I don’t approve of what they did?—Convict’s (distant) cousin
Dear Cousin,
Tell the person who asks such a question what you have told me – that, yes, you are distantly related to the person who committed that crime, but that you were never close with them and all you know about the crime they committed is what you read and heard in the news.
And try to forgive the person for asking such a question. Sometimes people start talking before they put their brain in gear.
Dear Queenie,
When I was in college my older brother loaned me money when I needed it and I promised to pay him back when I finished school and got a job. When that time came I sent him a check for the full amount, but he never cashed it. He said he didn’t need the money and he was forgiving the loan.
Now, many years later, I am doing very well and my brother has asked me to repay the loan after all.
Queenie, I can afford it and I will send him the money, but what do you think of all this?—Younger sister
Dear Sister,
Your brother probably forgave the loan years ago because he did not want you to start out on your own with financial difficulties. Now possibly he is having some financial problems of his own and needs the money. Thank him again for his help all those years ago and send him a cheque.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend and I have been going out for a couple of years. This is my first time dating anyone and I want to date other men too, but my boyfriend is really serious about me and I don’t want to hurt him.
Queenie, I don’t want to break up with him but I want to see other men too. How can I tell him?—Dissatisfied girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
Tell him (if he does not already know) that you were inexperienced when you started dating him and now you would like to have the experience of spending time with other men too.
Hopefully he will be willing to share you with other men on a dating basis and to see how this all works out in the end. If he is not, you will have to decide what is more important to you, being with this man or seeing who knows how many (or how few) others.
Dear Queenie,
My husband told some relatives that they could come here and stay with us for a week on their vacation if they could meet all the pandemic travel requirements.
I am lucky to still have a job and I work from home part of the time. He is retired and stays home all day but he never does anything to help around the house, so I have to do all the housework in addition to my outside job. I can’t even begin to think how I will get my usual work done, never mind all the extra work of having houseguests for a week.
Queenie, how do I tell them they can’t stay with us?—Overworked wife
Dear Wife,
Tell your husband the only way these people can stay with you is if he takes over all the housework while they are here. And if he promises to do so but you are not sure he will keep that promise, tell him – and the relatives – that you just cannot manage having houseguests. Then give the relatives information about local hotels, tell them you look forward to seeing them and offer to take them out to dinner a couple of times while they are here.
If you can afford it you might also consider hiring someone to do the housework while the guests are here.
And maybe it will turn out that the relatives cannot meet all the pandemic travel requirements after all.
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine bites her nails all the time. It looks bad when she does it and her hands look terrible with the nails all chewed up that way, and of course she can’t get any kind of nice manicure because her nails are so short and chewed-on.
Queenie, is there any way I can get her to stop doing that?—Concerned friend
Dear Friend,
It is good of you to be concerned about your friend, but I doubt there is much you yourself can do about your friend’s habit.
Nail-chewing is usually related to feelings of stress and anxiety, which need to be addressed by a professional counsellor. Perhaps if you can persuade your friend to consult a professional counsellor about whatever is bothering her, the counselling will help her break this habit.
