Dear Queenie,

Can you tell me what is the proper finger to wear your engagement and wedding rings on? My fiancé’s mother and I are having a big argument about this.

And is a man supposed to wear a wedding ring or not?

Queenie, can you settle it for us?—Tired of arguing

Dear Tired,

Different cultures have different traditions, including those concerning the giving and wearing (or not giving/wearing) of engagement and wedding rings.

Although it is customary for a married woman to wear a wedding ring, it is not mandatory.

Whether a man wears a wedding ring is up to the individual couple, although I always think it is a good sign when a man is willing to wear that “I’m spoken for” band in plain sight.

In most Western Christian cultures, it is customary for the engagement ring and later the wedding ring to be worn on the fourth finger (the one next to the “pinky” finger) of the left hand. This custom dates back to the times when people believed the blood vessels in that finger were connected directly to the heart.

Very often the bride switches the engagement ring to another finger or to her right hand after the marriage ceremony, but equally often she keeps it on the same finger as the wedding band. When she does so, she usually wears the wedding band “closest to the heart,” but some brides prefer to wear the other ring, which is often very valuable, on the “inside” and the wedding band on the “outside” to help keep the more expensive ring from falling off accidentally.

The ones who should decide this issue are the bride and groom. Everyone else, including the mothers-in-law, should mind their own business.

Dear Queenie,

What should you do when someone you love calls in the middle of the night and says he’s going to kill himself?

My son made such a call and as soon as he hung up I called the police and the ambulance, just to be safe. Now he’s mad at me because he says he was so embarrassed when all those people showed up in the middle of the night and waked up the whole neighbourhood.

Queenie, what should I have done?—Upset mother

Dear Upset mother,

You should have done exactly what you did. If your son is embarrassed, he brought it on himself by his irrational behaviour.

You son seems to be having severe emotional difficulties and is probably in urgent need of professional help. Encourage him to seek the help he needs. Consult your family doctor and/or the Women’s Desk for a referral.

And if you should ever receive such a call from him again, I suggest you call him back right away, before you call the emergency services, to see whether he has changed his mind or is just being extremely melodramatic. However, if you are not absolutely certain his life is not in danger, call out the troops again. Better to be safe than sorry.

Dear Queenie,

I was in love with a boy and another girl took him, but she doesn’t do anything to him like hug or kiss him. I am doing that, but who is supposed to have him? We kiss each other, but she doesn’t and she wants him? And now, what should I do?

Plus, we got in a fight and now he is like hitting me for nothing and it hurts so badly because he hits hard, you know, and what should I do?

A lady asked me “if he is smart.” I said no, he stayed back 2 times, but he looks good. Who should I follow, the lady or smartness or just being beat up? I think with the lady, but if I ignore him he is going to keep on hitting.

Queenie, what should I do?—Don’t know what to do

Dear Don’t know what to do,

I can’t imagine why you would want a boy who is so “smart” he “stayed back 2 times” and who beats you up for no reason. Let the other girl have him!

If you are afraid he will beat you up if you refuse to have anything more to do with him, go to Safe Haven and/or the police for assistance and protection.

And in the future, don’t be so generous with your hugs and kisses. That excessive generosity is probably the reason this boy has so little respect for you.

Dear Queenie,

My parents got divorced when I was little and I didn’t see much of my dad while I was growing up, although I guess he sent my mother support money. I don’t know, because she never talked about it.

But now that I’m grown up and have a good job, he turns up now and then and wants to “borrow” money. The first couple of times this happened I gave him the money, but he never repaid it and whenever I asked he made some excuse, so I didn’t give him any more.

I have a good job and all, but I have loans to pay off for my education and my car and I’m saving to buy a house and when I have kids I want to be able to take care of them properly, and I just can’t afford to be giving him money every time he asks.

When I refuse to “lend” him money he gets mad and says I owe it to him for all it cost him in child support when I was growing up.

Queenie, is it wrong of me not to give it to him, knowing he won’t pay it back?—Grown up son

Dear Grown up son,

No, it’s not wrong of you. You don’t owe him anything but respect for doing his financial duty by you, especially as I suspect that (if he actually did it) he only did so because it was required by law.

If he had tried to maintain a close father-son relationship with you when you were a child, you probably would feel more generous toward him now, but he didn’t and you have no reason to feel guilty about it.

It seems to me that you are more grown-up than your father, certainly more financially responsible, or he wouldn’t constantly need a “loan.”