Dear Queenie,
Recently I find myself thinking of why the youth classifies a certain way of acting as black or white. I strongly believe that you should not describe a person by using a color or race. I am only 14 but this is a matter that is really bugging me.
My best friend came to me quite upset because someone she has known for a long time apparently believes she is white because of certain things she does and said she was becoming an “oreo” and that she was becoming stupid.
How can we tell whether being black or white is right? A lot of teenagers define black as the gangsters and white as just plain old dumb. If you really think about it, we are all shades of brown and acting should never be described the way like that. Too many barriers are forming between us.
Queenie, can you just tell me what’s really going on?—Bugged Youth
Dear Bugged Youth,
People who are uncertain of their own identities try to find security in being a member of a group and defining themselves by that group’s standards. The term “peer pressure” refers to this attitude.
If you concentrate on trying to live up, or down, to someone else’s opinion of you or if you define yourself by their approval or disapproval, you will waste time and energy, only to find that neither they nor you are satisfied with the result.
Trying to be “black” or “white” is never right. Be the best you can be for yourself, not for anyone else, and you can’t go wrong. The so-called friends who tell you otherwise are only trying to drag you down to make themselves feel big.
Dear Queenie,
At first when I met my boyfriend he was so nice. And now he is giving me a lot of trouble. Besides that he has another woman along with me. I asked him to break off the relationship with me and he doesn’t want to.
His other girlfriend always calls my house late at night and wakes me up. I love him a lot but I can’t go on any longer with him and his girlfriend.
Queenie, please leave in the names. And when can I see my letter in the paper?—Fed up
Dear Fed up,
First of all, I never leave in names.
Second, I answer letters in the order in which I receive them, so your letter is appearing several weeks after you sent it.
I am not clear whether your boyfriend had another woman when he started going with you, or you were first and then he started seeing another woman. Either way, I don’t think he is so nice. A man who will cheat on one woman will cheat on all his other women as well.
If his other woman is harassing you, you can file a complaint with the police. But I suggest you don’t bother. Why waste your heart on a man you know is cheating on you and who has refused to stop? You would be better off without both him and his harassing other girlfriend. Dump him and you get rid of her too.
Dear Queenie,
To react to a previous letter, I would like to say the following to the lady who wrote it: Forget the lawyer! Don’t accept the money he gives you. Let him go and do the shopping himself, pay the bills and do all the things he expects you to do with what he gives you.
Also, run, don’t walk, and look for a job! Whatever you can get to start with. As long as you don’t have your own income, he can and will do to you what ever he feels like. Next thing you know he will have another woman and you with no income of your own will have nowhere to go and won’t be able to do anything about the situation.
Wake up and do yourself a big favour – respect yourself and he will respect you too; if not, he will only trample on you.
I am begging you to please take notice of my advice.
Queenie, if this lady doesn’t have enough money for bare necessities how would she be able to pay for a lawyer or a counselor? None of those come cheap, especially not the lawyer. Usually I agree with all your advice, but this time I don’t, sorry.
Thank you, Queenie.—Experienced Ex-wife
Dear Experienced Ex-wife,
Of course this lady should be able to support herself. I believe I suggested in the original column that she look for a job. Also, I suspect that knowing he cannot use financial dependence to control her will encourage her husband to alter his stingy ways.
However, this lady also needs expert legal advice to learn just what are her rights and her husband’s obligations to her and how she can enforce them. If she can’t afford legal fees, she can consult the Law Clinic, but it is possible a lawyer would be able to collect fees from her husband, with the court’s help. Otherwise, she can use her salary from her new job to pay for legal advice.
The same logic applies to counselling.
I stand by my original advice.
Dear Queenie,
When I was 19 I met a wonderful guy and fell in love. We had a brief romance and we were separated because we were living on separate islands at the time. We both went our different ways and married other people, but I always thought of him and wondered how he was doing.
One time after we both got married we spoke over the phone for about 30 minutes or so. We never spoke since then.
Fifteen years later we met again and he was divorced and I was going through a separation. I was living on a different island. We again met and had a short and heated romance and I have been unable to stop thinking of him since then. We still meet occasionally.
I love him and he told me he loves me, but he does not want to be married again because he was married twice before. We continue to see each other at times and when we spend time together it is unforgettable, but what must I do? Should I just let him go and start a new life or do I wait on him until he is ready?
I do not want to be with anyone else. I am now 40. I do not know how much longer I can wait. But one thing I know for sure I love him with all of my heart.
Queenie, do you believe there is that one special person out there in the world for each of us? If so, I believe he is mine, I hope so. —Confused
Dear Confused,
For some people there is one special person. Others have the ability to love more than one person in a lifetime and form memorable relationships, each one different, with several people.
This man has made it clear that he does not intend to marry again. It is possible that he will change his mind eventually, but if I were you I would not count on it.
Therefore you have a choice between spending the rest of your life having an occasional wonderful fling with this man or giving up on him and looking for someone who wants to share his life with you. You are the one who will have to make that decision.
Dear Queenie,
This older boy at school troubles me too much. Every time when I wake up in the morning I’m too scared to go to school. He is so big. I am 6 years old in first grade.
I told the teacher and she says every time when he troubles me she’s going to pull his ear.
Since I’ve been at this school he has been troubling me. My teacher is not doing much to help. My Mom helps me, She even went to school and talked to the teacher. Now this boy looks at me in a bad way.
I feel scared and I don’t like school any more, but my father says I have to go.
Queenie, what do I do?—Desperate child
Dear Desperate child,
I agree with your father that you have to go to school, but the adults in your life have to do more to help you handle this situation.
Ask your parents to talk to the principal of the school as well as your teacher. If they know the boy’s parents, they could also talk to them. If they don’t know the boy’s parents, the school authorities should talk to them.
You could also ask your parents to sign you up for karate or taekwondo classes. If you learn to protect yourself you will feel more confident and perhaps then this boy will have a little more respect for you. Bullies always pick on people they think can’t fight back. This boy may be much too big for you to beat, but if both of you know that you can defend yourself he will not be so quick to pick on you.
If worst comes to worst, your parents could go to the police and file a complaint of harassment against the boy. Perhaps if the police reprimand him and his parents, they will pay more attention to your complaints.
