Dear Queenie,
Every time one of our friends has a special occasion that calls for a gift, like a birthday or anniversary, this one friend offers to help me pay for whatever I am getting for that friend of ours. It’s kind of obvious that she just doesn’t want to have to go to the trouble of shopping for something, getting a card, wrapping it all up and getting it delivered.
Queenie, what’s a polite way to refuse her “help”?—Fed-up friend
Dear Friend,
You could make a point of shopping early and tell your “helpful” friend that you have already bought (and possibly sent or delivered) the gift. You also could give her some suggestions as to what she might want to get for and give to that person. But do not let her turn you into her personal shopper.
Dear Queenie,
My daughter is engaged to be married to a man she has been together with for several years. Before she ever met him she used to go out with the son of some friends of ours (me and my husband) and we stayed friends with them even after our kids broke up.
Now my daughter’s fiancé says we shouldn’t have anything to do with them anymore because our kids broke up and we are disrespecting him by staying friends with that family. We say we were friends with them long before our kids got together and even though the kids aren’t together anymore, that doesn’t mean their parents can’t be friends.
Queenie, what do you say?—Long-time faithful reader
Dear Faithful reader,
I say, “Thank you for your loyalty to this column.” I also say there is no reason you cannot stay friends with this family just because two of your respective children are no longer a couple, which is a matter that concerns mainly the (ex)-couple involved, especially if the break-up was reasonably amicable.
I also say that your son-in-law-to-be seems to have some serious insecurity issues and probably would benefit from professional counselling, if anyone can persuade him to go for it. Meanwhile, do not let him control your lives and relationships.
Dear Queenie,
A couple of years after my parents got divorced my mother started dating a man and eventually moved in with him. After some time they broke up and my mother moved out and got a place of her own.
He never had much to do with me while they were living together, but since they broke up I hear from him fairly often by phone and email and he keeps asking me to spend time with him and do things with him.
Queenie, how should I respond?—Confused son
Dear Son,
Your mother’s ex may be trying to stay close to her by having a (hopefully fatherly) relationship with you. The next time you hear from him, tell him you are too busy and point out that your mother has moved on with her life and it is time for him to do so too.
Dear Queenie,
My fiancée’s brother doesn’t like me. I have tried to be nice to him and we even made him part of our wedding party to try to get along with him, but he still is rude to me and even threatens not to let his parents see his children, their grandchildren, if anyone doesn’t do whatever it is he wants at the moment.
We would rather not have him at our wedding at all, but that probably would just make things worse.
Queenie, is there any way we can keep him from doing something to spoil the occasion?—Worried groom-to-be
Dear Groom-to-be,
Arrange for a few friends who will be at your wedding – or even hire someone, a security guard, perhaps – to keep an eye on your fiancée’s brother at the wedding and quietly escort him out if he starts to do anything that might spoil the occasion.
Meanwhile, a professional counsellor might be able to help you understand why he behaves the way he does and how best to deal with his behaviour. I suspect your brother-in-law-to-be would also benefit from professional counselling if anyone can persuade him to go for it.
Dear Queenie,
On my daughter’s 25th birthday I invited her to have dinner with me at a nice restaurant. When she arrived she had two friends with her and they didn’t offer to pay for their food so I ended up having to pay for everyone.
Queenie, should I say something to her or just not invite her to eat out?—Offended mother
Dear Mother,
You should explain to your daughter that she should have let you know in advance that she wanted to bring her friends to her birthday dinner and should have asked you if it would be okay with you.
You also could have asked the person who waited on you for separate checks and then paid for yours and your daughter’s, and handed their checks to your daughter’s friends. You might still have had to pay for them, but I am sure they – and your daughter – would have gotten the message.
