Dear Queenie,
I hate funerals. I prefer to remember someone I knew and maybe loved the way they were alive, not lying dead in a casket and buried underground or burned into ashes.
I guess some people think me not showing up at the funeral is disrespectful or means that I don’t care that the deceased person is gone, but that isn’t true.
Queenie, how can I make them understand?—Truly in mourning
Dear In mourning,
There is no rule of etiquette that requires you to attend a funeral. People mourn in different ways.
You can show respect for the deceased and sympathy for the other mourners by writing a letter of condolence, perhaps sharing some happy memory of the deceased with them and/or making a contribution to the deceased’s favourite charity in his or her name.
Dear Queenie,
When I was on the outs with my boyfriend my mother told him that she would call the police if he ever again had anything to do with me and I never saw him or heard from him again. I was still hoping we would make up and get back together, but when I tried to talk to her about this she insisted that she was right and she was just doing it for my own good and someday I would understand and thank her for it.
Queenie, is there anything more I can do?—Depressed daughter
Dear Daughter,
If your mother’s threat to call the police is really what is keeping your ex-boyfriend away from you, he probably has some reason to be afraid of the police and you may well be better off without him.
He also may be staying away simply because his relationship with you is not very important to him, in which case, again, you are probably better off without him.
As for your depression, consult your family doctor, and perhaps a counsellor, for help in dealing with it and, hopefully, getting over it.
Dear Queenie,
My sister said she bought me a gift and had someone send it to me but up to now I haven’t seen it and it’s been several weeks since she sent it.
Queenie, is there anything we can do?—Missing gift
Dear Missing,
Both you and your sister should check with the people who were supposed to send and deliver the gift. Sometimes things get lost in transit, or the delivery person cannot find the address, or the sender or the delivery person gets the address wrong. If it was a professional delivery service they should have a record of the gift, the delivery address and a “proof of delivery” receipt which would show where and to whom the package was delivered.
And if whoever it was could not deliver the gift for some reason, they still should have it on hand, although they should have informed the sender by now.
Dear Queenie,
On days when I get home from work early or don’t have to work at all, I like to do yard work or fix things around the house. Recently one of my neighbors, an older woman, complained about the noise I make sometimes with this work, because she likes to take a nap in the afternoon and it keeps her awake.
Queenie, I don’t want to start a feud, but I want to get my work done. What can I do about this?—Do-it-yourselfer
Dear Do-it-yourselfer,
Find out what time your neighbour takes her nap and try to avoid noisy work at that time. And you might suggest that she nap in a part of her house as far away from yours as possible, to keep the noise at a distance.
Dear Queenie,
Our daughter is living at home while she attends university and this is fine with us except for the fact that she spends a couple of nights a week with her boyfriend at his house. She is an adult (over 18) so we haven’t said anything to her about it, but among other things we don’t like the example it sets for her younger sisters and we are afraid if we do say anything she will just move in with him.
Queenie, should we ask her not to spend the whole night with him or would it just make her move in with him entirely?—Worried parents
Dear Parents,
You should talk to your daughter about your concerns, in general the example she is setting for her sisters and especially the possibility of her getting pregnant. Make sure she realises the adverse effects such an event would have on her future in university and beyond.
