Dear Queenie,
My father died many years ago and my mother died last year. As their oldest child I arranged her funeral and paid for it.
Queenie, I haven’t heard anything from any of my brothers and sisters since the funeral, not to offer to help pay for it or even to thank me for making all the arrangements. Is this right?—Offended sibling
Dear Sibling,
Did your mother leave you something extra in her will? Maybe your brothers and sisters think that was meant to pay for her funeral. Call your siblings, tell them how much the funeral cost and ask them if they can help with the expense. But also be sure to tell them you love them and miss hearing from them.
Dear Queenie,
There were some relatives we hadn’t seen for a while so we invited them to have dinner at our house. They brought their pre-school-age children with them and the kids ran wild, bouncing on the sofa, climbing onto the coffee table, spilling food everywhere and throwing things around.
I can’t help wondering if the kids act like that at home, but even so, the parents should not let them do it in someone else’s house. It took us hours to clean up after they left and we will not invite them to our house again.
Queenie, how should we have handled this when it was happening?—Angry hosts
Dear Hosts,
These parents should have at least tried to control their children. As they did not, you could have – should have – told the children to stop what they were doing whenever they did something obnoxious and/or destructive, and told the parents to please keep their children under control or, if they could not, to please take them home.
If you ever invite the parents to your house again, make it clear that the invitation does not include their children, and if they ask you why, remind them how their children behaved when they were at your house before.
Dear Queenie,
My father was my mother’s first husband. She also has a daughter from her second marriage who thinks her father is the greatest guy in the world. Actually, he was not a very good husband or step-father. He would lose his temper a lot and he would ask me a lot of questions about if I was having sex with my boyfriend and want all the details.
He is dead now and my (half-)sister remembers him as being the world’s best father even though I and our mother have told her what kind of person he really was.
Queenie, how can we get her to see the truth about him?—Disgusted sister
Dear Sister,
It could be that your stepfather was a better father to his daughter than he was to you. Or, it could be that your (half-)sister is clinging to a fantasy about her father because she needs it for her emotional health.
Let her have her fantasy if it makes her feel better, and just refuse to talk to her about him.
Dear Queenie,
When my daughter got married, someone stole money from some of the bridesmaids’ purses during the reception.
Queenie, are we, the bride’s parents, responsible for their loss?—Father of the bride
Dear Father,
Unless you had promised to take care of their things, no, you are not responsible. They should not have left their things lying around unattended.
If you can afford to do so you might offer to make up for (part of) their loss as a matter of good will, but you are not obligated to do so.
Dear Queenie,
My son got good grades in college and has his degree, but he has a problem getting a job because he doesn’t do well in his job interviews. He’s just not good at talking to strangers.
Queenie, how can he get help for this?—Worried father
Dear Father,
Apparently your son suffers from a certain amount of social insecurity. Talk this over with your son’s doctor. The doctor can recommend a counsellor who can work with your son on this problem, and perhaps prescribe medication that will help.
