Dear Queenie,
Over the Christmas holidays last year I stayed with my grandmother while my parents went off island. A friend of hers had Christmas dinner with us because he has no family here.
The whole time he was there they were acting like a couple of teenagers, hugging and kissing and touching each other. It was embarrassing to watch them. And I think he stayed the night because I heard noises coming from her bedroom like my parents make sometimes when they’re doing it.
Queenie, why do old people behave like that? It’s disgusting!—Grandson
Dear Grandson,
They behave like that for the same reason young people do.
I assure you, no matter how old you get, you will never outgrow the need for affection, physical contact and some form of sexual activity.
I hate to use the phrase, because I know how much young people dislike it, but “you’ll understand when you are older.”
Dear Queenie,
I’ve been married for 5 years. We have a year-old baby and our next one is due in a couple of months. On top of that I work full-time.
My husband used to drink a lot before we got married. He didn’t stop after we got married but he drinks a lot less now, but his idea of good time is still to go out with his friends and get falling-down slurring-his-words drunk. He spends his day off drinking too.
He celebrated his birthday by having a drinking party with a lot of his friends. I can’t drink because I am pregnant, so I took the baby and spent the night at my parents’ house.
On my birthday we went to a nice restaurant for dinner, but he drank a lot of wine and beer and by the time we left he was stumbling all over the place and bumping into other people’s tables and laughing as if it was a big joke. I was so embarrassed I just walked away and left him there.
Queenie, I’ve tried to talk to him about his drinking, but he just says I’m making something out of nothing. Is he right? Is this kind of drinking normal for a man in his 20s?—Sober wife
Dear Sober wife,
No, he is wrong. This kind of drinking is not normal or healthy for a man of any age. But it is typical behaviour for an alcoholic, as is his refusal to admit that it is a problem.
Your husband will not change until he admits he has a problem and decides to do something about it. When he does, I recommend he join the local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).
Meanwhile, I suggest you contact Al-Anon, the sister organisation for relatives/friends of alcoholics. AA can put you in touch with the local chapter, if there is one, or you can check out its website.
And remember that a tendency to alcoholism can be inherited, so discuss it with your children when they are old enough to understand.
Dear Queenie,
Every week I give my wife a check for household money. She is always complaining that I don’t give her enough money, but if I give her more she just spends it all and still wants more again.
A couple of times I have noticed on my bank statement that the amount for the weekly check was more than I had written on the checkbook stub. She changed the check and thought I wouldn’t notice, but I did.
When I mentioned it to her she just told me I deserved it for being so stingy and if I wanted to live nice and have good food to eat I should give her more money. That’s all she ever wants from me, money, money, money!
Queenie, what do you think I should do?—Thrifty husband
Dear Thrifty husband,
Changing a cheque is a criminal act called forgery if it is done by anyone other than the authorised person(s). However, before you threaten your wife with prosecution, I suggest you consider the difference between being thrifty and being just plain stingy.
How long has it been since you were inside a supermarket? Possibly you are out of touch with current prices. Why don’t you go shopping with your wife a few times? Let her pick out what she needs and check the prices. Then, when you get to the cashier, you pay for the groceries. I think you will be in for a big surprise!
Dear Queenie,
I have always prided myself on being polite to everyone. However, my husband is vexed with me for being rude to his mother. He says I was unfriendly to her and refused to talk to her when we were visiting his family over the holidays.
Queenie, the woman is impossible! She can’t forgive me for “taking her little boy away from her” and she goes on and on about how she never sees him anymore and I am keeping him away from her and then she starts criticising my clothes and my makeup and the way I take care of our children.
I’m a good mother, but I don’t spoil my children like she did hers. I was brought up to obey my parents and follow certain rules and be polite to my elders, and I am bringing up my children the same way.
I try to be polite to her, but frankly, I can’t stand her! How much of her nastiness do I have to take, anyway?—Fed up daughter-in-law
Dear Fed up,
It is easy to be pleasant to people you like, or at least don’t care about one way or the other. Having good manners means at least being civil even to people you don’t like. If you can’t manage to do that, you can’t claim to have good manners at all.
However, your husband should be sensitive to your feelings as well as his mother’s. Talk this over with him and ask for his help. Perhaps the two of you can work out some signal so that you can let him know unobtrusively when it is time for him to intervene and help you escape from his mother’s tirade.
Meanwhile, try to be patient with her, for his sake and to set a good example for your children.
Dear Queenie,
I recently met a very nice man who seems interested in me and has asked me to go out with him. He is not married, but my sister says he is living with a girlfriend.
I can’t make up my mind whether to go out with him or not. It’s not as if he was married, but I don’t like having to compete with another girlfriend.
What do you think, Queenie?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
I think your competition has the edge. If this man is living with her, presumably there is an established relationship between them and some degree of commitment.
I also think this man has demonstrated that you cannot rely on him to be faithful to you if you get involved with him. He is cheating on the woman with whom he is living and no doubt he would cheat on you as well.
I am sure you can do better.
