Dear Queenie,
My mother, who is retired, complains that no one in the family ever calls her. The reason we don’t call her is that when we do she wants to talk for literally an hour or more and we don’t want to hang up on her but we have our lives to live and our jobs to go to and we just don’t have all that much spare time.
Queenie, how can we cut her off without being rude?—Telephone Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
Set a timer, preferably one with a nice loud bell or buzzer, when you call her or answer one of her calls, and when the time goes off tell her “Sorry, but someone is at the door” or “you have to take the food off the stove (or out of the oven, or whatever).” And, when you call her, try to do so when you have time for a nice long chat.
Apparently your retired mother is bored and/or lonely. Can you help her find some outside interest, like volunteering or joining a club or other mutual-interest group? With luck, she will get so busy that she will not have time to talk to you.
Dear Queenie,
There’s someone I work with who is always willing to talk and talk and talk about themself when you ask how they are or how their family is or what they did over the weekend, or whatever, but never once bothers to ask you how you are, or whatever.
Queenie, I find this rude. What do you think?—Conversation Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
I agree. But the solution seems obvious – do not ask this person anything about themself. Instead, ask them, “Would you like to hear how I am?” or “… what I did last weekend?” If they say “yes” (which I doubt will happen) feel free to give them a dose of their own medicine (although I doubt they will get the message).
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine got an anonymous letter in her mail that said all sorts of mean things. She thought it was from me and got mad at me for it, but I promise you, I didn’t send the letter. I only found out about it from another friend of both of us.
Queenie, now she won’t even talk to me so how can I convince her that it wasn’t me that sent the letter?—Unjustly accused
Dear Unjustly accused,
You could write her a letter explaining that you did not sent the offensive one, or you could ask that same mutual friend to tell her so, However, there is no guarantee she will believe your disclaimers and if she chooses to stay angry, I am sorry but there is nothing else you can do.
Dear Queenie,
A woman I know divorced her husband because he had an affair with another woman. When she started dating again she got involved with a married man who eventually ditched her and went back to his wife and they patched up their marriage. Now this woman I know is doing everything she can to get that married man back.
When her husband cheated on her, she thought that other woman was just a whore. So Queenie, what does that make her for having an affair with a man who is married to someone else?—Revolted
Dear Revolted,
I quite agree with you. Her actions put her in the same class as the woman who broke up her marriage.
Dear Queenie,
Friends of ours (adults) celebrate their birthdays with a party every year. We enjoy these events, but we wonder, are we expected to bring a gift or is a birthday card enough?—Adult birthday Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
If the party is at a bar or a restaurant, buy the birthday boy/girl a drink. If the party is at their home bring a “hostess gift,” the same as you would do on a non-birthday occasion.
