Dear Queenie,
We are five adult children of a mother who is turning 60 and about to retire. We are planning to go in together on a super birthday gift for her but we cannot agree on how to share the cost.
Some of us are married and some are not. Does each adult pay the same amount, or only her own children, couples being considered as one person?
Queenie, what do you think is fair?—
Dear Confused,
There is no hard-and-fast rule about such things. However, in my opinion, the cost should be split according to income: if everyone earns about the same amount, each child pays an equal share, with spouses chipping in as they see fit. On the other hand, if some of you earn a lot more than others, why not split the cost according to what each of you can afford?
Try holding a family meeting to discuss the subject and see if you cannot agree on what is fair.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years and raised 3 children. Then I came home the other day and the house was empty, his things were gone and while I was trying to figure things out I got a phone call from him and he said, As you can see, I have left you,” and hung up on me. No reason why, He’s just gone.
Queenie, what can I do to get him back?—Abandoned wife
Dear Abandoned,
I am not sure there is anything you can do that will bring your husband back to you. Obviously he was unhappy and equally obviously he did not have the intestinal fortitude (read “guts”) to tell you face to face. A trial separation may convince him to return, but do not count on that.
Counselling will help you deal with the situation and, if you can persuade your husband to go with you, may help resolve at least some of the issues that made him leave – but, again, do not count on the latter. Be prepared to learn how live without him.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I got married quietly at the Census Office because we couldn’t afford a big wedding. Things are going better now and we are planning to have the wedding reception we couldn’t afford back then. We aren’t looking for gifts, we just want to celebrate our marriage.
Queenie, how do we get that message across without looking tactless?—Bride for a year now
Dear Bride,
Do not call your celebration a wedding reception; call it a “renewal of vows” or an “anniversary party” because that is really what it is. Even so, some of your guests will bring gifts or “hostess gifts,” so accept them with thanks and make sure everyone has a good time.
Dear Queenie,
My aunt told me that my parents only got married because she got pregnant with me. Then they got divorced after my sister was born and I hardly ever see my father. I guess he paid child support but he never visited us or had us visit him.
Queenie, what do you say to someone who just doesn’t want you even though you are his natural child?—Abandoned son
Dear Abandoned son,
If you have the chance, you ask him why he abandoned you.
You may find out that your parents’ divorce had nothing to do with you and your sister, no matter what your aunt has told you, and that your father’s absence from your life was not because he did not love you, but because your mother kept him away for some reason – in which case you ask her why.
Dear Queenie,
I always get a lot of attention and compliments from men, even when I’m with my boyfriend. The problem is it makes him jealous and insecure.
Queenie, how do I make him understand that I’m not interested in anybody else?—Attractive girlfriend
Dear Attractive,
First make sure you are not behaving in a way that invites, or at least does not discourage such attention. Then, make a point of telling your boyfriend – often – how much you care for him and why.
And good luck!
