Dear Queenie,
My sister gave my daughter a very generous check for her birthday, but then she started telling my daughter she should spend it on some stylish new clothes because what she was wearing was not in fashion any more.
My daughter works full time and also goes to school – she is working to get a graduate degree – and what with tuition and paying off her student loans she does not have money to spend for new clothes or time to do a lot of shopping. The check was a big help in paying off the loans and she tried to explain this to my sister when she thanked her for the gift, but my sister just would not listen. Now my daughter does not want to talk to her aunt any more.
Queenie, how can I keep peace in the family?—Mother in the middle
Dear Mother,
You could try explaining all this to your sister, but if she would not listen to your daughter, she probably will not listen to you either. If that is what happens, write your sister a letter explaining all this (again). She cannot interrupt a letter or argue with it, and maybe if she reads it more than once the message will sink it.
Dear Queenie,
My teenage daughter has fallen in love with a man over 10 years older than she is. I told her this is not appropriate, but she still wants to go out with him and maybe be in a relationship with him.
Queenie, what more can I do?—Frantic father
Dear Father,
You can insist that your daughter wait until she has finished high school (and, I hope, university) to date this man or any other man so much older than she is, and meanwhile get to know other, younger, men closer to her own age to be sure of what she really wants.
And if your daughter is younger than the legal age of consent and has been having sex with this older man, you can file a complaint with the police – and make sure your daughter knows this is a possibility.
Dear Queenie,
I’ve been dating a divorced woman for a couple of years now and I haven’t yet met any of her family. She’s been divorced for a long time and has grown-up children and grandchildren.
Queenie, I’m beginning to wonder what’s going on. Any suggestions?—Doubting Thomas
Dear Thomas,
I too wonder what is going on. The most likely answer to that question is that she is not actually divorced. I think it is time to press the issue of meeting her family or ending the relationship.
Dear Queenie,
My husband’s brothers are always offering to take care of our little girl when we want to have an evening out, but I have heard so many stories about children being sexually abused by relatives or close family friends that I am afraid to leave her alone with them.
Queenie, how can you tell if someone is the kind of person who abuses children that way? And how can I refuse to let her uncles babysit without telling them why?—Worried mother
Dear Mother,
Unfortunately, the same things that make a man a good father are characteristics of paedophiles: they are friendly, charming, and good with children.
You can refuse babysitting offers politely by saying something like “Thanks, but not tonight. Maybe when she is a little older.”
And when your daughter is old enough to understand what you are telling her, teach her to come to you when anything does not seem right and not to trust anyone who wants her to keep something a secret from you and her father.
Dear Queenie,
Recently I received a very nice gift of clothes at my bridal shower that included some see-through lingerie. Now it’s time to write thank-you notes and I’m wondering just what to say.
Queenie, what do you suggest?—Embarrassed bride-to-be
Dear Bride-to-be,
Thank them sweetly for the gift of clothing, without mentioning the “unmentionables.”
