Dear Queenie,
My next-door neighbour is always asking to borrow something – food items, paper towels, even money, but she almost never returns anything she borrows and if she does it’s way later than she promised. And she asks me to look after her pets when she goes away even for just a day.
Queenie, I have a limited income and better things to do with my time. What is a polite way to say “no” to her?—Fed up
Dear Fed up,
I see no reason to be particularly polite to someone who is trying to take advantage of you, but if you cannot bring yourself to give her an emphatic refusal, why not try charging her – up front! – for whatever she wants.
If it is a cup of sugar or a roll of paper towels, the price tag from the grocery store should be on the package and you can insist on payment at that moment, just as the store would do. As for looking after her pets, she would have to pay a stranger to look after them, so figure out what you time is worth to you and insist on payment in advance for your services.
Either you will be properly compensated for your trouble or she will stop making demands on you – win-win.
Dear Queenie,
An old friend is visiting the island and he invited me out to lunch to talk about old times and catch up on what we have been doing. We won’t be doing anything wrong, but I didn’t tell my husband because he is very jealous and would have a fit if he knew and I don’t think he will ever find out.
Queenie, do you think he would be right to be mad at me?—Uncertain wife
Dear Wife,
If you are keeping it a secret from your husband you are going behind his back, which is a betrayal of trust, and he would have a right to be angry. How would you like it if he did something like this to you?
Why not ask your husband to join you and the old friend – and the old friend’s wife, if he is married? If the spouses are bored stiff, at least they will know you are being honest with them. And who knows? It might turn out to be a four-way friendship.
Dear Queenie,
What do you say to someone who is showing off something new, like clothes or a piece of jewelry or whatever, and you think it’s just plain ugly or vulgar or cheap?
Queenie, are you supposed to lie to spare their feelings?—Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
Remember that old saying, “If you cannot say something nice, do not say anything at all”?
But usually you can find something nice to say, like the clothes fit well or are a pretty colour, or the jewellery really sparkles or shines in that light, or the cheap whatever-it-is must have been a real bargain.
Dear Queenie,
I was out with a friend and we met this guy and she said she really liked him, so I made myself scarce and let her get better acquainted with him, but the next time I happened to meet up with him he asked me for a date and I went out with him. Now she’s mad at me for stealing him from her.
Queenie, did I do wrong? Should I back off and let her have him?—Feeling guilty
Dear Feeling guilty,
There is no reason for you to feel guilty. The fact that your friend liked this man does not mean he felt the same way about her, and I doubt that he would have turned to your friend if you had refused to date him. More likely, neither of you would ever have seen him again.
Dear Queenie,
My wife and I have some problems that we can’t seem to solve by talking to each other. I want to go for counselling, but she refuses because she won’t discuss private matters with someone else. But at the same time she tells her mother everything that goes on between us and asks her for advice.
Queenie, is it wrong of me to feel she violated my confidence by talking to her mother about our private matters when she won’t go to a counsellor?—Offended husband
Dear Husband,
Your wife does not consider her mother to be “someone else,” but more like an extension of herself to whom she has been taking her troubles all her life. Try to explain to your wife that to you her mother is just as much “someone else” as a counsellor would be.
And if you cannot make your wife understand your point of view, go for counselling without her for help in learning to deal with those problems you mentioned.
