Dear Queenie,
My husband and I separated a few months ago and are getting a divorce. The reason why we separated is that he found out I was having an affair. But he had been going with other women all the time we were married and he has children by some of his bysides.
My problem is my 16-year-old daughter. She doesn’t know about the bysides and the outside children and she blames me for the breakup.
She wants to go live with her father. What she doesn’t know is that he doesn’t want her because she will interfere with his seeing all those other women because he still doesn’t want her to find out about them and his other children.
Queenie, I don’t want to be the one to tell her what kind of man her father is, but there’s no living with her the way things are. How do I handle this?—Caught in the middle
Dear Caught in the middle,
Your daughter is old enough to know the truth about her father and your marriage to him. If he doesn’t want her to know the truth, too bad for him. If he is so ashamed of what he has done, and is still doing, he shouldn’t have done and still be doing it.
In fact, I’m surprised she doesn’t already know. Secrets like that can’t be kept for long on this small island. When you tell her, you may be surprised to find out that she already knows the truth and is angry at you for doing the same as her father.
I would suggest family counselling for you and your daughter. She clearly needs it, and I’m sure you would benefit as well. If you can persuade your husband to go too, so much the better. It might even save your marriage, if there is anything left to save.
Dear Queenie,
My dad is in prison and I don’t know when he will be coming home. I don’t know what to tell people when they ask me about him, like where is he or what does he do for a living.
Queenie, what should I say when people ask these kinds of questions?—Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed,
Whatever you decide to do, do not lie about your father. This is a small island and sooner or later the person will find out the truth. Then they will know that you lied and you will have two things to be embarrassed about: your father’s imprisonment and your own lies.
You don’t have to answer people’s questions if you don’t want to, but if you don’t, they will probably become even more curious. The best thing to do is to tell the truth as briefly as possible. For example, you could say, “My father did something bad and had to go to jail for it. I am sure he will do better when he comes home.”
If you don’t want to say even that much, or if the person is so rude as to ask more questions, just say, “I’d rather not talk about it.”
Dear Queenie,
I go to school every day and I supposedly have friends there. Yesterday they acted stupid with me again. They were talking behind my back again.
They even sent my best friend that I have known since I was small to lie to me and say they were talking about a club I was in. I got really mad because that wasn’t it. It was about some sort of dance. They asked people who aren’t their close friends to create a dance with them.
Then I called one of the so-called friends. She told me to call her when I’m not angry at her, and I wasn’t. I just wanted to apologize for getting angry because she was only paying attention to another so-called friend of mine. So I just left without a goodbye.
Am I sounding dramatic, spoiled, or jealous? I don’t think so, because I’ve spilled too many tears for them.
Queenie, do you think you can help me?— Misfortunate to Friends
Dear Misfortunate to Friends,
Let’s take a look at what you have said. You became angry with a friend because she was paying too much attention to another friend. That seems like jealousy to me.
You refer to your friends as “so-called” friends because they tell you they don’t like your angry, jealous behaviour. You become even angrier if they avoid you when you are angry. Then you weep because of the way they treat you. Yes, “dramatic” and “spoiled” would seem to apply.
How would you like it if someone treated you the way you describe treating the people you say are your friends? If you want to have friends, you have to be a friend, but your behaviour doesn’t seem very friendly. No wonder they try to avoid you and leave you out of their activities.
I suggest you try to modify your behaviour. Learn to control your jealousy and anger. Learn to understand that you are not your friends’ only friend, or the most important person in their lives. Learn to respect their feelings. Learn to treat them with respect. You will be a better person for it.
Dear Queenie,
I have been married for 10 years and all that time my husband has had other women too. If I complain, he says if I don’t like it I can leave, but we have 4 children under 10 years old and I only have a part-time job and I don’t have any family here to go to.
Now he brought home an STD from one of his outside women and he gave it to me and I can only guess when he’ll bring home AIDS! I can’t go to Safe Haven because he doesn’t beat me up.
Queenie, I don’t have any money to leave him. What can I do?—Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First, go to a doctor at once to be treated for the STD and tested for AIDS.
Next, make a list of all of his assets: house, car, furniture, bank accounts, everything. If (when) you leave him, he will still be responsible for supporting his children and your lawyer will need this information.
Then call the Women’s Desk and/or Safe Haven’s hotline. Even if Safe Haven won’t take you in, they can help you make plans to get away from this abusive man.
There are other kinds of abuse besides physical (beating you). Making a woman live in constant fear of being infected with a fatal disease certainly should qualify as mental and emotional abuse.
Dear Queenie,
I heard that some man stole money from the Animal Welfare Foundation.
Queenie, what kind of a person would steal from a charity?—Animal lover
Dear Animal lover,
A person who considers himself as deserving as a stray dog or cat?
And remember, they do say that some men are nothing but animals. Apparently this one believes that charity begins at (his) home.
