Dear Queenie,
One of my grandmothers is senile and doesn’t recognise anyone who visits her. The other is too sick to take proper care of herself but she won’t let us get her someone to help her keep herself and her house clean.
I don’t visit either of them because the one doesn’t even know who I am and the other is just too unpleasant to be around.
One of my grandfathers died after a long illness that made him like a living corpse and I don’t want to have to go through anything like that again, but my parents keep after me about visiting my grandmothers.
Queenie, how can I explain all this to my parents?—Can’t take it anymore
Dear Can’t take it,
You could tell your parents what you have told me, or even show them this letter when it appears in the newspaper.
But I think you should make the effort to visit both your grandmothers, however difficult it is for you. Do it for your grandmothers’ sake, and for your parents, because it is the right thing to do.
Dear Queenie,
My parents are getting older and need a lot of day-to-day help taking care of themselves and their house. My sister and I do all of this work for them but our brother will not even help out a little.
He stops by to visit them for a short time once in a while, but that’s all he does. He makes a good living and likes to travel a lot, but won’t spare more than an hour or so now and then for them.
Queenie, how can we get him to carry his fair share of the burden?—Caregiving daughter
Dear Daughter,
You cannot force your brother to pitch in and do some of the work of caring for your parents, but if he can afford to travel so much, surely he can afford to pitch in financially. Then you can use the money to hire someone to help with the housework and/or a professional caregiver to help care for your parents, giving you and your sister some relief.
Hopefully your brother will be pleased with a solution that does not require his physical presence and personal efforts.
Dear Queenie,
Before we were married my husband was affectionate, loving and wanted sex all the time. Now that we are married he has changed all that and hardly pays me any attention at all. But he still gets mad if other men even look at me, never mind if they try to get friendly.
Queenie, isn’t it part of a husband’s job to make his wife feel loved and cherished like the wedding vows say?—Neglected wife
Dear Wife,
Yes, of course it is – and it is also a part of a wife’s job to make her husband feel loved and cherished, so I hope you are keeping up your end of the bargain.
However, people tend to present the best side of themselves when courting a prospective spouse, although the true person may be quite different, and then the true personality comes out after the ceremony.
Professional marriage counselling might help you, especially if you can persuade your husband to go with you. But if he will not, go by yourself to learn how to cope with him and what, if anything, you can do to improve your situation.
Dear Queenie,
My mother-in-law’s favorite grandchild is the oldest one, a girl, and she brags about her all the time and never mentions the others (there are four other grandchildren) at all.
The children have all noticed this and they even make jokes about it, but they feel hurt by it also.
Queenie, is there any way we can make Grandma understand what she is doing to her other grandchildren?—The other kids’ mothers
Dear Mothers,
Your mother-in-law’s own children should get together and have a talk with her about how her behaviour affects all her grandchildren, and that it cannot really be good for “Grandma’s pet” either, in the long run.
Meanwhile, all the other grandchildren have their parents, their other grandparents and each other for support.
Dear Queenie,
My grown-up daughter is good-looking, but she has a loud voice and talks so much that she doesn’t give other people a chance to speak. She complains that men are not attracted to her and I think this is why.
Queenie, do you think she can change this part of herself?—Worried mother
Dear Mother,
This is not a matter of basic personality, but of behaviour, so, yes, I think she can change if she is willing to try very hard.
She might want to have her hearing checked, too, as a hearing problem may be part of the reason she talks so loudly. If that is the case, hearing aids would help her to hear herself better and so might help her keep her voice down.
