Dear Queenie,
We have 2 sons, both grown-up and living on their own. We are going on vacation and would like to take them with us, but the younger son has a drinking problem. He behaves alright when he is sober, but when he is drinking he gets mean and embarrasses us and has gotten in some real trouble while drunk.
His older brother is able to keep him under control, but we don’t think it’s fair to expect him to do that while he is supposed to be on vacation, but it’s not fair to take one son with us and not the other.
Queenie, should we just forget about a vacation with our sons?—Undecided father
Dear Father,
While on vacation, your older son should not have to be his brother’s keeper and you should not have to be worried about what your younger son will do next.
Tell your younger son that he is welcome to come with you if he will promise not to drink anything alcoholic – and if you think you can trust him to keep that promise. If he will not promise or if you do not trust him to keep his promise, feel free to leave him at home. That is (part of) the price he will have to pay for his drinking.
Who knows? Maybe your ultimatum will be the incentive he needs to get some real help for his drinking problem, perhaps from Alcoholics Anonymous (see Agenda, page 2 of this newspaper).
Dear Queenie,
My parents got divorced when I was 10 and my mother has been angry and depressed about it ever since. There was nothing my brothers and I could do to help her then or now almost 20 years later.
She complains about living alone and not having any friends, but when I visit her we just end up arguing, so I don’t visit very often, and not for very long when I do.
Now I’m married and going to have a baby and I want my children to know their grandmother, but I don’t want them to have to deal with her bad attitude.
Queenie, is there anything more I can do?—Divorcee’s daughter
Dear Daughter,
Children tend to take things like this for granted and probably will just accept Grandma the way she is. You may have to limit their time with her if/when she starts talking rudely and negatively. Handle each problem as it occurs.
And professional counselling might help your mother, even at this late date, if you can persuade her to go.
Dear Queenie,
My middle-age son is engaged to a girl young enough to be his daughter. In fact, her mother is the same age as him.
He has given her a lot of money toward their wedding and I am worried that she is only marrying him for his money.
Queenie, I don’t want to see him get hurt. Should I say anything to him about it, and what should I say?—Worried mother of the groom
Dear Mother,
Your son is old enough to make his own decisions about such things, good or bad, and I doubt anything you might say would make much difference at this point. And it may turn out that she is the perfect wife for him.
Try to keep your worries to yourself and to make this girl welcome as a part of your family. And if eventually their relationship does not work out well, DO NOT tell your son, “I was afraid this might happen.”
Dear Queenie,
My daughter-in-law was a widow with 2 small boys when my son married her almost 20 years ago. He became like a father to the younger boy, but not to the older one, who was always very close to his mother.
The boy is now an adult and is still his mama’s boy. They call and text each other several times a day, he wouldn’t go away for university so he went to USM for a while but then he dropped out, and now he can’t find a good job so he still lives with my son and his mother and follows her around all the time and whenever she goes out he goes with her.
I can’t figure out how my son got to know her so well that he married her, but of course her son was only a child at that time.
Queenie, what do you think of all this?—Mother-in-law with questions
Dear Mother-in-law,
Apparently your daughter-in-law and her older son clung to each other for comfort when her first husband, the boy’s father, died, and have remained so close ever since.
I do not believe they have an incestuous relationship, or she would not have married your son, but nevertheless their relationship is not a healthy one for either of them.
Your son should try to help his stepson become independent of his mother. Professional counselling for the whole family might help.
Dear Queenie,
For a couple of years now my husband has been talking online with a married woman. I have met her but I do not know her well, but it seems he does, because their chats last for almost an hour and they also text each other a lot every day.
I asked him what all they talk about, but he won’t tell me. He says they are not having an affair.
I went for counselling about this and he came with me one time, but he got mad and walked out when the counsellor asked him about his contacts with this other woman, and he wouldn’t ever go back with me again.
Queenie, am I wrong to be upset by all this?—Unhappy wife
Dear Wife,
No, you are not wrong. Even if there has been nothing physical between them, your husband seems to be having an emotional affair with this woman and is refusing to face the fact that that is what his relationship with her is.
I hope you will continue with counselling without him, to help you decide how to handle this situation the in best way for yourself, since your husband will not cooperate.
