Dear Queenie,
I’ve been invited to the wedding of an old friend who is marrying someone I do not like or approve of, and I won’t attend.
Queenie, do I still have to send a gift? Wouldn’t that mean I approve of their marriage?—Wedding gift Etty Ket
Dear Etty Ket,
A gift means you wish the happy couple well, not necessarily that you approve of what they are doing. If you do not attend the wedding you do not have to send a gift, although a congratulations card would be a nice gesture. But be sure to at least RSVP the invitation so they will know not to expect to see you at the ceremony.
Dear Queenie,
My sister has all sorts of problems and our parents give her everything she needs and spend a lot of money taking care of her. They tell me they will make it up to me with what I will get when they die, but who knows how long that will be and how much will be left if they give everything to my sister while they are still alive.
Queenie, is this fair?—Left out child
Dear Left out,
No, that is not fair, but that is how it is.
Your parents feel obligated to your sister because of her problems and are afraid of what might become of her if they do not take care of her, while they are confident that you are able to take care of yourself.
If there is a specific item(s) that you would like to have, ask them to give it to you now so that you do not have to worry about what might become of it after they are gone. Beyond that, try to forgive them (and your sister) for their favouritism. Carrying a grudge will hurt you more than any of them.
Dear Queenie,
For several years I have been taking care of a family’s children while the parents go to work, since the kids were babies. I always give the kids a gift on their birthdays and Christmas, and the mother when she has another baby, but it’s getting to be more than I can afford.
Queenie, will it be enough if I just congratulate them without a gift?—Not Santa Claus
Dear Not Santa,
It will be more than enough. Just send a nice “Congratulations” or “Happy Birthday” or “Merry Christmas” card, as appropriate for the occasion.
Dear Queenie,
Before we got married, while we were together and then engaged (for several more years) my husband cheated on me with several different women. After we got married he promised he had stopped, but I wasn’t sure I believed him and we went for counselling, but we have stopped that because the counsellor agreed with me that my husband thinks there is no problem.
Queenie, should I divorce him? But what if he is really being faithful?—Doubting Thomasina
Dear Doubting Thomasina,
If there are private detectives where you live, hire one who can get the facts for you. If there is no private detective available, find someone you know you can trust to do the sleuthing.
If you are wrong about your husband, get counselling to help you deal with your insecurity. If you are right, the counsellor (and possibly a lawyer) can help you decide what to do.
Dear Queenie,
I need to have my teeth checked, but I’m afraid of going to a dentist.
Queenie, is there such a person as a dentist who really cares about how you feel?—Tooth Achy
Dear Tooth Achy,
Any dentist who hopes to be successful cares about how his (or her) patients feel. And these days there are many forms of painkiller that can make the procedure pretty much painless. When you make the appointment tell the person what you need, and if they cannot help you, ask to be referred to a dentist who can.
