Dear Queenie,
I’ve been dating a guy who is separated from his wife and in the process of getting a divorce. I’ve made dinner for him and let him stay overnight with me, given him a few small gifts and even hinted that he’d be welcome to move in with me, but he just eats the food, stays the night, thanks me for the gifts and then goes home.
Queenie, what’s the matter with him? Why doesn’t he realize I’m not like her and I won’t break his heart?—Lonely
Dear Lonely,
First, this man is still married and not in a position to make any commitments until his divorce is final. If he is really getting a divorce, that is. Are you certain about that, or could he just be feeding you a line?
Second, you are giving him too much too soon, unless you have been dating him for longer than you imply. And if you have been seeing him since before he and his wife separated, he may see you as a home-wrecker who can’t be trusted.
As far as that goes, are he and his wife separated? Or are they still living together while the divorce is in process? If it’s the latter, that should give you a clue as to whether the divorce is a fact, or just bait he is using to string you along.
Finally, if his marriage really has broken up, he may not yet have gotten over the trauma of the split, in which case he wants sympathy and comforting (among other things), but is probably not yet ready to make a new commitment and may not be ready to do so for a looooong time to come, if ever. The old expression “once burned, twice shy” often applies in such cases.
Dear Queenie,
My 14-year-old daughter wants to start dating but I don’t think she’s ready. But she goes out anyway, even when I forbid her, and she won’t tell me where she’s going or call home to let me know she’s okay.
One time she didn’t come home at all after school and around midnight I got so worried I called the police. When she came home she said she was doing homework with a friend.
The next time she did this I called around to her friends and found out she was with a certain boy and when she came home and I yelled at her she said the next time she would just stay all night with him even though I forbid her to see him at all.
Queenie, I don’t know what to do. Help!—Distraught mother
Dear Distraught mother,
Your daughter is going to get herself into big trouble if she keeps on this way. It appears you have no control over her and no idea how to communicate with her. I would say counselling is in order for both of you. Talk to her school counsellor or the Women’s Desk for a referral.
Meanwhile, I hope you have had a serious talk with her about the facts of life, especially the dangers of unprotected sex. If you don’t know what to tell her, consult your gynaecologist.
In fact, a visit to the gynaecologist for your daughter would be in order. Because you suspect she is having sex with this boy, she should be examined and tested for HIV and other STDs. At the same time, the doctor can explain to her whatever you haven’t, and emphasise what you have told her already.
Finally, how old is this “boy” she is seeing? Your daughter is under the age of consent, which means he could be guilty of statutory rape, especially if he is much older than she is. A talk with the police might also be in order.
Dear Queenie,
I need to know this in a hurry. When an engaged couple break up, who gets to keep the engagement ring?
Queenie, that diamond cost a lot of money, so who should get to keep it?—Jilted
Dear Jilted,
It depends on who breaks the engagement.
An engagement ring is the tangible symbol of the promises two people make to each other that they will be married – a spoken contract to marry. The one who breaks his/her promise has to pay damages, so to speak.
To put it simply, if the man breaks the engagement the woman gets to keep the ring, but if the woman breaks the engagement she has an obligation to give it back.
If they break up by mutual agreement, they should also come to an agreement about the ring, which usually represents a considerable financial investment, as you say. I would suggest that they sell the ring and split the proceeds. After all, why would either of them want to keep the symbol of their shattered romance?
However, if the ring was a family heirloom, in all fairness it should be returned to the family from which it came, even if it was the member of that family who broke the engagement. In that case, some compensation would be in order.
Dear Queenie,
A friend of mine is getting married for the third time to a man that she has been living with for about a year who has been married before too. The announcement says it’s going to be a very small wedding, just her family and his.
She told me privately that they plan to have a big party for everyone when they get back from their honeymoon, so all her friends can meet all of his.
Queenie, they already have everything they need for their household and money is tight these days. Do we have to send them a wedding gift?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
If you are invited to the party after the honeymoon, you should give the bride a “hostess gift”, which could double as a wedding present.
Otherwise, you don’t have to send them a wedding gift, but a small token gift would be a thoughtful gesture.
Dear Queenie,
I haven’t had my period for the month of May and I was supposed to get it around the ending of the month.
I am worried because I did not have my period. I keep seeing the white, but the red is not coming and I keep feeling my tummy hurting but nothing happens.
Something terrible happened to me and I don’t know how to explain it to my dad because I am scared. You see, my cousin forced me to have sex with him last month so that is why I am so scared.
Queenie, could I be pregnant? I hope not because I am only 16 and I am scared. No one knows what happened to me so please help me soon.—Scared Girl
Dear Scared Girl,
I don’t know why you should be afraid to tell your father you were raped. It wasn’t your fault and you are not to blame in any way. However, if you feel you can’t talk to him about it, tell a female relative or teacher you trust, or go to the Women’s Desk or Safe Haven for help.
You must see a doctor immediately to be examined for injuries from the rape and possible STDs or worse. And yes, it is possible that you are pregnant. If so, you will have to decide whether you want to have the baby, and the decision should be made very soon.
I strongly advise filing a complaint against your cousin with the police. He must be prevented from doing anything like this again, and you will feel much better if you stand up to him and fight back against what he did to you.
And if he threatened to harm you if you told anyone, he must be punished for that too, and you must be protected from him.
