Dear Queenie,
I need advice about something that makes me deeply uncomfortable, but I don’t know if I’m overreacting. A close friend of mine is very affectionate with her husband. That alone is not the issue. What unsettles me is how he behaves around others, including me. He hugs for too long. Rubs backs. Stands too close when speaking. Sometimes his hand lingers. He does this not only with me but with other women as well. It is not overtly inappropriate, but it feels intrusive. The part that confuses me is that he does it openly, in front of his wife. And she doesn’t seem bothered. They are also extremely physically affectionate in social settings, constant kissing, hugging, him slapping her on the backside, once even putting his hand on her chest in front of me. She giggles like a teenager when he does it. I don’t want to judge their marriage. I don’t want to appear prudish. But I feel tense whenever I’m around them. I find myself physically stepping back or avoiding being alone in a room with him. Is this just their dynamic? Or is it fair to set boundaries even if his wife is comfortable with it? How do I handle this without creating drama? —Uncomfortable Friend
Dear Uncomfortable Friend,
Your body is giving you information. Listen to it. You are not judging their marriage. You are reacting to physical behaviour that feels intrusive. Those are two separate things. Some couples are openly affectionate. That is their dynamic. Public kissing, playful slaps, exaggerated displays of desire, that may be their language. You do not have to like it, but you can tolerate it if you choose. What you do not have to tolerate is being touched in ways that make you tense. Long hugs. Lingering hands. Back rubbing. Standing too close. These may appear casual, but consent is not measured by whether it happens in front of his wife. It is measured by your comfort. If you are stepping back physically, that is already your instinct protecting you. You do not need to accuse him of impropriety. You do not need to analyse their marriage. You do not need to debate whether he “means it.” You simply need to set a boundary. The next time he moves in for a lingering hug, step back slightly and offer a handshake or brief side hug. If he rubs your back, calmly remove his hand and say, lightly but clearly: “I’m not much of a toucher.” Or, “Personal space, please.” Delivered with a small smile. No drama. No apology. If he respects it, good. If he ignores it, that tells you something important. As for your friend, you are not required to comment on what she accepts in her own relationship. But you are allowed to choose how often you socialize with them if the environment feels uncomfortable. Boundaries do not create drama. They reveal who is comfortable crossing them. You are not prudish. You are aware. Trust that. —Queenie
