Dear Queenie,
My sibling is 40 years old and still living at home. We all grew up in the same house in Sint Maarten. Small rooms. Shared everything. That was normal when we were children. It feels different now. He works, sometimes. Contributes, occasionally. Has plans, constantly. But nothing moves. Meanwhile, my parent cooks, washes, pays bills, and defends him every time someone suggests it might be time to stand on his own. When I bring it up, I’m told, “Housing is expensive.” “The island is hard.” “He’s trying.” Yes, housing is expensive. Yes, the island is tough. But so is adulthood. What bothers me most is not that he lives there. It’s that my parent is aging and still carrying him. Groceries. Electricity. Excuses. And then I feel guilty, because family is family. We look out for each other here. Multi-generational homes are common. But this doesn’t feel like mutual support. It feels like stagnation. Am I being harsh? Or is enabling a grown adult slowly becoming a disservice to everyone? —Tired of the Spare Room
Dear Tired of the Spare Room,
In Sint Maarten, multi-generational living is normal. Land is limited. Rent is high. Families pool resources. There is no shame in that. But there is a difference between shared living and stalled living. Support is cultural. Dependency is not. A 40-year-old adult who is “trying” without measurable progress is not being supported, he is being protected from consequence. And consequence is often what forces growth. Your parent may believe they are helping. In reality, they may be postponing his independence. Cooking, covering bills, defending him, these acts feel loving in the short term. In the long term, they quietly communicate: “You don’t have to step up.” That is not Caribbean solidarity. That is avoidance. Now here is the hard part: this may not be your problem to solve. Parents sometimes choose comfort over confrontation. It is easier to maintain peace in the house than to disrupt it with expectation. If your parent is still willing to carry him, you may not be able to change that. What you can do is speak plainly once. Not emotionally. Not accusatorily. Plainly: “I worry that by protecting him, we’re preventing him from building his own stability.” Then step back. You are not harsh for wanting accountability. You are watching time pass, your parent aging, your sibling stagnating, and you feel the imbalance. That instinct is not cruelty. It is clarity. But be careful not to let resentment become your daily companion. If your parent chooses this arrangement, you must decide how much emotional energy you will invest in something you cannot control. Island life can be tight-knit. It can also be tight-trapped. Love your family. But do not confuse enabling with loyalty. —Queenie
