Dear Queenie,
Ever since I finished college my mother has been bugging me to get married and start having babies.
I have a good job and can take care of myself and I have started a retirement fund that is coming along very nicely, thank you very much. I have tried to explain to my mother that I am in no hurry to have children.
I am thinking about going on to get my Master’s degree, but she insists that a woman doesn’t need so much education and if I really loved her I would settle down with a good man so she wouldn’t have to worry about me, and would give her some grandchildren.
What’s worse is that I used to put money in a savings account when I was a child and I would like to use it for my further education, but my mother won’t let me have it. She says she will give it to me when I get married and then I can use it towards buying a house.
Queenie, how can I get through to my mother and how can I get my money from her?—Independent daughter
Dear Independent daughter,
I know what century your mother was born in, but what century does she think it is now? Even if you got married to please her, there is no guarantee that the marriage would make you happy or that it would last. However, no one can take your education away from you and with it you will be better prepared to take care of yourself and any children you might eventually have.
Point out to your mother – gently, please; after all, she is your mother! – that you were not born to make her dreams come true and that she is lucky you have grown up to be responsible and independent, and not a drug user or a lazy parasite.
Then, if she still won’t turn over your savings, consult your bank manager and possibly a lawyer to find out how the account was set up, whether you can get access to the money, and, if so, how. If the money is in your name it is possible that your mother no longer has legal control over it now that you are an adult.
However, if the account is in her name, she has the right to say when and under what conditions you may have it, so in that case let her do as she pleases with it and forget about it.
