Dear Queenie,
A dear friend recently told me her cancer has returned, and the doctors have said her time may be limited. True to who she is, she is facing it with incredible courage. She talks about making the most of the time she has, staying positive, and living fully. I admire her strength deeply, and when I’m with her I match that energy. I smile. I encourage. I stay hopeful because that seems to be what she wants. But privately, I feel something else. I feel sadness. Sometimes anger. Sometimes the urge to cry for no clear reason. And occasionally I feel tired from trying to stay so positive all the time. Then I feel guilty for even thinking that way, because she is the one actually facing the illness. Is it selfish to need space for those heavier emotions when she is choosing positivity? Should I just follow her lead and keep things light? Or is it okay that I am grieving in my own way already? —Holding It Together
Dear Holding It Together,
What you are feeling is not selfish. It is love colliding with reality. When someone we care about faces serious illness, many people instinctively mirror the tone that person sets. If your friend chooses courage and positivity, it makes sense that you want to support her in that space. That is a gift you are giving her. But supporting her does not mean you stop being human. Your sadness, your anger, even your exhaustion from holding yourself steady, those emotions are not competing with her experience. They are the natural response of someone who cares deeply and is beginning to process the possibility of loss. Your friend’s bravery does not require you to be emotionally silent. In fact, it is often healthier for both people when the emotional weight is shared in appropriate ways. That may not mean pouring your grief onto her if she is not in that place, but it does mean finding safe spaces for those feelings elsewhere – trusted friends, family, faith leaders, or a counsellor. Grief does not begin the day someone dies. It often begins the moment uncertainty enters the room. Crying, reflecting, even feeling anger at the unfairness of it all does not diminish your support for her. If anything, it allows you to return to her with honesty and presence rather than emotional exhaustion. Follow her lead when you are with her. If she wants laughter and lightness, give that freely. But give yourself permission, elsewhere, to feel the full range of what this moment brings. Love makes room for joy and sorrow at the same time. You are not failing her by feeling deeply. You are simply walking beside her in a very human way. —Queenie
