Dear Queenie,
Whenever I invite them to dinner, my in-laws bring along several dishes of food. They don’t bother to ask what I may need, which would be nothing. I’m not the kind of hostess who depends on her guests to provide their own food and I’m a good cook.
They also don’t ask what kind of food I’m going to serve, but just bring whatever they feel like, and often it doesn’t go with the food I have prepared. Like, they bring chili when I’m serving Chinese food, or barbecued ribs when I’m serving roast turkey.
They get vexed if I don’t put their food on the table with what I have cooked, and they expect me to wash the dishes they bring it in and have them ready for them to take home when they leave.
I like to visit with my guests while they are there and clean up after they leave. And I take it as an insult when they bring food, as though they don’t think I will have enough for them to eat, or as if I can’t cook well enough to suit them.
Queenie, how should I handle this?—Harassed hostess
Dear Harassed hostess,
According to the etiquette books, food or wine brought by guests is considered a gift to the hostess and does not have to be served to the guests. According to me, demanding that it be put it on the table for the donor(s) to eat is like giving someone a box of candy for a birthday gift and then sitting down and eating it all up – rude, rude, rude!
The next time your in-laws bring food to your dinner party, thank them nicely for it and tell them how much you and your husband will enjoy it the next day, especially because they have saved you from having to cook the day after you worked so hard to prepare the food for the party.
Then put the food they brought into your own containers and store it away, put their dishes to soak in a pan of hot soapy water, and sit down to enjoy your dinner. When they are ready to leave, hand them their clean dishes and thank them again for the nice gift.
If they get vexed when you don’t serve their food, ask them, “Why? Is there something wrong with what I have served you?”
