Dear Queenie,
I recently started seeing a woman I really like. It is still new, but so far she is lovely. She’s intelligent, funny, easy to talk to, affectionate, and I am very attracted to her. There is one thing I wasn’t expecting. She doesn’t shave. Anything. Her legs are hairy. Her underarms are hairy. And from what I have now discovered as our relationship has progressed, this is not a case of: “I haven’t had time to wax this week.” This is clearly a lifestyle choice. She simply doesn’t remove her body hair. I am trying to be mature about this because obviously it is her body. But, Queenie, I don’t like it. I particularly struggle with the underarm hair. I know hair grows naturally on women. I understand that shaving and waxing are grooming choices and that women aren’t born with a Venus razor attached to the placenta. Still, I’ve always dated women who shaved or waxed, and that’s what I find attractive. Now I don’t know what to do. Can I tell her that I would prefer her shaved? Part of me thinks couples tell each other what they like all the time. But another part of me thinks that telling a woman I just started dating to remove her body hair is an excellent way to become single again. I don’t want to embarrass her or make her feel unattractive, because she isn’t. I also don’t want to pretend it doesn’t bother me when it does. Is there a respectful way to say something? —Hairy Situation
Dear Hairy Situation,
You have correctly identified both sides of the problem. It is her body. And you are allowed to have preferences about what you find attractive. These two facts can coexist without either of you being wrong. The difficulty is what you do with the preference. First, let’s establish something important. She knows she’s hairy. You have not discovered an oversight that needs bringing to her attention. This woman did not get dressed every morning, raise her arms occasionally for several years and somehow miss the situation. If she’s comfortably walking around with natural underarm and leg hair, there’s a very good chance this is deliberate. So don’t approach this as: “Have you considered shaving?” She has. Her answer appears to be no. You can, however, talk about preferences once a relationship becomes intimate enough for those conversations. The important distinction is between “I find shaved skin really attractive” and “You need to shave”. The first tells her something about you. The second gives instructions about her body. And be prepared for her response to be: “I prefer not to.” That's where this gets interesting. Because you then have to decide how important this actually is. Is it: “Not my preference, but I can get used to it”? Or is it: “This genuinely affects my sexual attraction”? Neither answer makes you a terrible person. Physical attraction matters in romantic relationships, and people have all kinds of preferences about hair, beards, grooming, clothing, scent and appearance. What you don’t get to do is enter a relationship with someone who looks a particular way and quietly begin a renovation project. She is not a fixer-upper. And tread especially carefully because women’s body hair carries considerably more social baggage than whether somebody prefers a man with a beard. She may have spent years becoming comfortable rejecting a grooming expectation she doesn’t agree with. Your preference doesn’t automatically outrank hers. There is also a useful little test here. Suppose she said: “I really like you, but I’d find you much more attractive if you waxed all your body hair.” How would you feel? You might agree. You might laugh. You might try it once. Or you might look at her and say: “Absolutely not.” All four responses would be legitimate. So yes, you can tell her what you like. Once. Kindly. Preferably during a general conversation about what you both find attractive, not while staring into her armpit with concern. Then let her decide what she does with the information. And whatever happens, please don’t offer to book the waxing appointment. You’re in a new relationship. It’s much too early to be introduced to her beautician as the man responsible for policy change. —Queenie
