Dear Queenie,
My parents got divorced when I was little and I didn’t see much of my dad while I was growing up, although I guess he sent my mother support money. I don’t know, because she never talked about it.
But now that I’m grown up and have a good job, he turns up now and then and wants to “borrow” money. The first couple of times this happened I gave him the money, but he never repaid it and whenever I asked he made some excuse, so I didn’t give him any more.
I have a good job and all, but I have loans to pay off for my education and my car and I’m saving to buy a house and when I have kids I want to be able to take care of them properly, and I just can’t afford to be giving him money every time he asks.
When I refuse to “lend” him money he gets mad and says I owe it to him for all it cost him in child support when I was growing up.
Queenie, is it wrong of me not to give it to him, knowing he won’t pay it back?—Grown up son
Dear Grown up son,
No, it’s not wrong of you. You don’t owe him anything but respect for doing his financial duty by you, especially as I suspect that (if he actually did it) he only did so because it was required by law.
If he had tried to maintain a close father-son relationship with you when you were a child, you probably would feel more generous toward him now, but he didn’t and you have no reason to feel guilty about it.
It seems to me that you are more grown-up than your father, certainly more financially responsible, or he wouldn’t constantly need a “loan.”
