Dear Queenie,
I have been divorced for a long time. My ex-husband works part-time for several different employers. At a recent party for our daughter’s birthday he turned up in dirty shorts and T-shirt, not even his work clothes, and he didn’t just smell bad, he stank. I told him I needed a better view for my camera and tried to move away, but he followed me. I just couldn’t get away from him.
Queenie, what can I say to him without making him mad?—Offended ex-wife
Dear Offended,
I cannot guarantee there is anything you can say that will not make him angry, but if you tell him the truth he may just be grateful to you even if he does not admit it. And there is no reason your daughter cannot speak to her father about this as well if she was as embarrassed (and offended) as you were.
Dear Queenie,
My boyfriend thinks smoking pot is okay, and having sex right away with someone you’re dating. I think both of these things are totally wrong.
Queenie, except for these things I really like him a lot. Should I stick with him and hope he changes?—Undecided Girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
Smoking marijuana is illegal and can be addictive, which almost certainly will lead to legal and other problems, if it has not done so already. And a guy who pressures you for sex on the first date when you are clearly unwilling is inconsiderate, to put it politely.
Try to discuss all this with him and see how it goes, but if things do not change quickly, dump him and look for someone more agreeable.
Dear Queenie,
My brother died from an overdose of drugs and now my husband is going the same way and I don’t know how to help because he doesn’t think he has a problem. I don’t want to see him die like my brother did and most of all I don’t want him to set an example for our children.
Queenie, what can I do?—Addict’s wife
Dear Wife,
Try to get your husband into a substance abuse programme. I should think seeing your brother die from an overdose would at least help you convince him, but if he is in denial – “It can’t happen to me”, “I won’t let it happen to me” – there is not much you can do for him. The most important thing right now is to protect your children from the example he is setting them.
I suggest you get professional counselling as soon as possible to help you decide what to do and to have support in doing it, no matter how unpleasant it may be. I suspect you will have to force your husband to choose between the drugs and his family, and if he chooses the drugs, well, you know what that will mean.
Dear Queenie,
Why do women make so many limitations on what their children’s fathers can do with the children, like they can’t take the children to a party or visit a friend’s house or things like that or let them play outside alone.
Queenie, if he’s not actually abusing the kid, what’s the harm?—Just asking
Dear Just asking,
The women you describe may be “helicopter moms”. Or, they may have valid concerns about their children’s fathers’ parenting ability.
Being too permissive could, in some circumstances, be just as dangerous for the child as actually being abusive – for example, not watching closely enough while a child, especially a little one, is playing in a swimming pool or riding a bicycle.
Dear Queenie,
My girlfriend and I have been living together for a couple of years. Money is short these days and her parents have invited us to live with them for a while, but they are very religious and they expect us not to sleep together because we are not married.
Queenie, we’re both adults and we’ve been together for a long time. Shouldn’t we be able to sleep together?—Boyfriend alone in bed
Dear Boyfriend,
You will be guests in your girlfriend’s parents’ home and you should abide by their rules.
It might be different if you and your girlfriend were married, and possibly if you were going to get married soon. Have you considered that?
