Dear Queenie,
My mother-in-law gave me a dress for my birthday that is just too much! It’s the right size, but I would never wear anything like that. Even my husband laughed when he saw it.
I thanked her for her gift, but I can’t help wondering if she was trying to make a comment about my style of dressing.
Queenie, what do you think?—Insulted daughter-in-law
Dear Insulted daughter-in-law,
Don’t be so quick to take offence. Most people, when they are buying a gift for someone, tend to choose something they themselves would like to receive.
To forestall any question about why you never wear her gift, wear it once in her presence – perhaps when she comes to visit you, so you don’t have to wear it where anyone else can see you. Maybe when she sees it on you, she will realise how inappropriate it is for you.
On the other hand, you may be able to tell from what she says when she sees the dress on you whether she was commenting on your preferred style of clothing.
Dear Queenie,
One of the guys in a group I hang out with never has anything nice to say about anything unless he had something to do with it. I know he is rather insecure and I want to stay on good terms with him, but his attitude is getting tiresome.
Queenie, should I talk to him about all this?—Fed-up friend
Dear Friend,
Because you are aware of his insecurity, try to be kind. When he insults you, just tell him that you know that he hates to give anyone a compliment, but you are still his friend.
Dear Queenie,
Why does everybody always blame the man if a woman gets pregnant? It’s a man’s nature to have lots of women and they are always getting pregnant on purpose so they can keep a man. The stupid fools don’t understand that just because a man sleeps with them doesn’t mean he cares about what happens after.
What about when a woman says she’s on the pill and then, oh my, she’s pregnant because she “forgot” to take it? What if a man uses a condom, but it breaks, or the woman tears a hole in it with her fingernails “accidentally”?
Queenie, be fair!—Tomcat
Dear Tomcat,
I agree with you that a woman should take her share of the responsibility for making sure she doesn’t have any children she doesn’t want and/or can’t afford to raise. In this day and age, with all the contraceptive methods available, there is no excuse for either a man or a woman to make a baby if he or she doesn’t want to.
If a man doesn’t want to take responsibility for a child, it is up to him to make sure he doesn’t get a woman pregnant “by accident.” If he leaves it totally up to a woman who may be trying to “catch” him by having his baby, he is just as much a stupid fool as you say she is.
After all, it’s a dog’s nature to have fleas and to mark his territory by urinating on it. But a dog can learn to wear a flea collar and to not make messes in the house. Are you saying a man can’t rise above “his nature” at least as much as a house-trained dog?
Dear Queenie,
I’ve been going with this girl since we were in high school and I gave her an engagement ring last year. Her parents like me and my parents like her and they all get upset if we have an argument.
The problem is, I don’t think I am ready to get married and I’m not sure any more that she is the one I want to marry when I am ready. I have never dated anyone but her, so how can I tell if maybe there could be someone else I would like better? But how do I break it off with her without starting a big war?
Queenie, I wish she would break up with me and be done with it, but how do I get her to do it? And how do I get my ring back? I paid a lot of money for it—Changed my mind
Dear Changed my mind,
You tell your fiancée the truth and hope she takes it well. Then you – hopefully both of you – tell your families you have called off the wedding, and why.
You don’t get the ring back unless your fiancée is feeling very generous. It isn’t your ring, it’s hers. It was a gift you gave her to mark your engagement, and she has kept her side of the bargain. By the same token, you are not required to return any gifts she has given you.
Dear Queenie,
I’ve been going with my new girlfriend for about a month now and I’ve discovered that she lies a lot. The funny thing is, she lies about stupid things that don’t matter, and things that I am sure to find out the truth about.
Like, if we go to a new restaurant and I ask if she likes the food she says yes, but the next time I want to go there she says no, she doesn’t like the place. Or she says she is going to spend the afternoon at home, and then I meet her on the street with some other friends. Or she says she paid $20 for something and then I see the price tag and it says $25. OrI mention a book or a movie I’ve seen and she says she has seen it too, but then in the conversation it is clear that she doesn’t really know anything about it.
She’s very pretty and she has a great figure, but I don’t like the idea that I can’t trust her or that she thinks I’m so stupid as to believe her lies.
Queenie, why does she do this?— Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
She may be a compulsive liar, which is a psychological condition that takes much therapy to overcome.
She may be a very timid person who is afraid of confrontation, so she says what she thinks the other person wants to hear, to avoid arguments.
She may feel insecure, and “fooling” other people makes her feel somehow “superior” to them.
She may simply be a deliberately deceitful person who cannot and should not be trusted.
In the first three cases, she can be helped through counselling and psychological therapy and you can help her by encouraging her to get the help she needs. You might also go for some counselling yourself, to help you understand her problem.
In the fourth case, however, I am sorry to say that she probably doesn’t want to be helped, and you are probably better off without her.
