Dear Queenie,
I am originally from the Dominican Republic, but I have a Dutch passport and I’ve been living in St. Maarten since I was 2.
I spoke Spanish before I ever learnt English when I was 3½. Now I speak it with my family, Spanish friends and I’m studying it on a CXC level because I simply see it as an asset and something that keeps me as close to my birth country as possible.
My problem is that my mother has gotten herself a boyfriend, which usually wouldn’t be a problem with me. However, he’s been giving me a pissy attitude lately. First, it started with simple things, but now, he’s been getting mad at me for speaking to my mother or sister in Spanish while he’s around.
I understand that some people don’t like it when other people speak a foreign language in their presence, so I always speak in English when I am directly speaking to him or speaking about something meaningless. On the other hand, I always talk to my mother or sister in Spanish when I talk to them about personal matters or other things like my school grades and whenever I have questions for THEM.
He’s gotten so pissy at me that he’s told me to leave whichever house we’re in multiple times.
Queenie, I feel like his pissy attitude is partly my fault, but do I just ignore it or tell how I feel about him denying me my mother language? Should I adapt myself to English alone, even if I don’t want to?—Conflicted daughter
Dear Daughter,
It is rude of you to speak to others in Spanish in this man’s presence – unless they do not understand English, in which case you should immediately explain to him what is being said. And yes, his “pissy” attitude is entirely your fault.
When you speak Spanish your mother’s boyfriend obviously has no way of knowing what you are saying – whether it has nothing to do with him or you are saying nasty things about him right to his face, knowing that he does not understand what you are saying. He is not trying to deny you your mother language, he is just asking that you not use it in his presence.
So save the conversations about things that do not concern him for times when he is not present and have the good manners to speak English in his presence.
Look at it this way: How would you like it if some of your local friends started chattering away in Dutch or Arabic or Hindi or Hebrew (all of which are languages common to St. Maarten’s multi-ethnic society) when you were with them? Would you not feel left out of the conversation? Would you not wonder what they might be talking about, what they might be saying about you? And would you not be pissed off at being disrespected that way?
Dear Queenie,
I have a friend who is always complaining about her appearance – she’s too fat, she’s too short, her hair is a mess, whatever.
Queenie, what’s the best way to respond to such remarks?—Worried friend
Dear Friend,
There is no point in lying about such things. If your friend really is overweight, for example, her mirror is telling her the truth and nothing you say can change it.
However, surely there is something else about her that you can compliment – she has good posture, her hair is a lovely colour, she has a beautiful complexion, she dresses well, whatever.
Dear Queenie,
We have some friends who always bring us a “hostess gift” when they come to visit us, but it’s always something they got cheap because it is out of date. They even brag about how much they saved on buying it.
These people are very well-off and it’s not as if they can’t afford to pay the regular price.
Queenie, should we just accept the gifts, thank them and throw the stuff out after they have gone home or tell them not to bother?—Disgusted
Dear Disgusted,
Thank them kindly for the gift and then serve the out-of-date food to them and something more nourishing to yourselves. If they comment on the difference, tell them you prefer not to eat food that is past its freshness date.
Dear Queenie,
My father is cheating on my mother. I found out by accident while I was using his computer and there is no mistake about it. I told him I would tell Mom if he didn’t make an end to it, but I know she will stick with him anyway.
Now I’m having trouble trusting my boyfriend because of the idea that all men are alike even though I have no real reason to doubt him.
Queenie, help!—Cheater’s daughter
Dear Daughter,
Not all men are like your father, as I am sure you realise in your calmer moments. Professional counselling probably would help you ease your mind on that issue.
Meanwhile, do not interfere in what is entirely your parents’ business. You cannot control what your father does or does not do, your mother may or may not know what he is up to and, if she knows, what she does about it is entirely up to her.
Dear Queenie,
I am afraid of birds, even small ones, and they are all over the place in St. Maarten. I know this is silly, but I am still scared every time one comes near me.
Queenie, how can I get over this?—Ornithophobe
Dear Ornithophobe,
Professional counselling might help you understand why you have this phobia. Some incident in your childhood may have triggered it.
Meanwhile, whenever a bird frightens you, try yellin at it. Getting angry may help you be less afraid, and the birds will usually fly away when you shout at them. Also, seeing that they are afraid of you also could help you become less afraid of them
