Dear Queenie,
My husband and I always gave our children everything they wanted, even if we had to use some of our savings to pay for it, but now that we are retired our income is a lot less than it used to be and we cannot afford to be so generous.
In fact, we could use some help ourselves, but even though our children are all grown up and have good jobs that pay very well and know how we are struggling they have never once offered to help us out. They don’t even offer to take us out for dinner once in a while, but they expect us to invite them to our house for the holidays
Queenie, how do we make them understand that it’s their turn to give to us?—Given out
Dear Given out,
Do not blame your children for the foolish extent to which you indulged them, and do not expect them to give you money now, even if they can afford to do so.
However, there is no reason you cannot explain to them that you can no longer afford to be so generous and from now on they can take you out to celebrate the holidays or you can all stay in and enjoy a potluck meal to which you expect them to contribute.
Dear Queenie,
I am very happy that my boyfriend has chosen for me. He promised me to wed me, but he still lives with his wife. I just can't resist his shiny eyes and ponytail. And I think I am pregnant too.
Oh, Queenie, could you please tell me where I am standing?—A yachtboy’s girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
You are standing on the outside looking in, and that is where you will remain as long as your boyfriend is still living with his wife. There is no way he can marry you unless and until he divorces her and I doubt that will happen soon, if ever.
I will give you the same advice I gave Byside (Wednesday, April 19 – I suspect you are the same person): You should have ended this relationship as soon as you found out your boyfriend is married. As for your being pregnant by him, it is never a good idea to try to keep a man by getting pregnant. Doing so is just as likely to drive him away as to hold him to you.
Dear Queenie,
I’m going to have my first baby soon and my mother will be with me all the through, even in the delivery room. When my husband’s mother found out she insisted that she should be there too for the birth of her grandchild, but we don’t get along all that well and I really don’t want her around at a time like that.
Queenie, is there some rule of etiquette about who should be present when a baby is born?—Expectant mother
Dear Expectant,
This is not a matter of etiquette, it is a matter of what is best for the mother and the baby.
If you do not want her there, have your obstetrician (or midwife) tell your mother-in-law that it would not be good for you and your child to have too many people crowding into the delivery room.
Dear Queenie,
My husband drinks too much and I told him I wouldn’t have any children with him until he stops but he hasn’t stopped and I want a family.
Queenie, should I divorce him if he won’t stop drinking?—Fed up
Dear Fed up,
Not starting a family until your husband gets his drinking under control is a very good idea. However, that probably is not enough to motivate him.
Threatening divorce is a drastic step and you should not make the threat unless you are willing (and able) to follow through if necessary. Before you give him that ultimatum, I suggest you try to persuade him to try Alcoholics Anonymous (see Agenda, page 2 of this newspaper). And professional counselling for yourself would also be a good idea.
Dear Queenie,
Before she died my mother gave me handmade baby clothes for the child she hoped I would have someday, but I never had any children.
Queenie, I would like these things to pass down in the family, but who should I give them to and how do I ensure that they stay in the family?—Childless aunt
Dear Aunt,
Pass them along to the next child to be born in the family with a request that they later be passed along to other children as they are born.
However, although you can request that these things be kept in the family, once you have given them away you cannot control how they are cared for or what is done with them.
