Dear Queenie,
Ever since my husband died his family has been critical of everything I do. They didn’t like the arrangements I made for his funeral or the headstone I chose for his grave. When they visit the cemetery they throw away the flowers I put on his grave and put their own instead.
Queenie, should I just ignore them and not have anything to do with them?—Widow in still mourning
Dear Widow,
Your husband’s family is also mourning his death, so try to have a little patience with them.
If you have children, cutting contact with their father’s family would deprive them of having a relationship with their grandparents and any aunts, uncles and cousins, so I would not advise complete non-contact, but you might want to limit time spent with them until all of you have learned to deal with your grief. Counselling by your clergyman or a professional counsellor might also help.
If no children are involved, do whatever you need to do for your own sake.
Dear Queenie,
My BFF is planning to marry a man who she knows has a record for sexual assault. I think she is making a BIG mistake.
Now they have invited me to the wedding.
Queenie, should I go even though I don’t approve?—Undecided
Dear Undecided,
I depends on how strongly you feel about this match and whether you can manage to hide your feelings and at least pretend to enjoy the occasion for the sake of the bride. If you can do that, go. But if your presence might cast a cloud of disapproval over the event, send your regrets and stay away.
Dear Queenie,
My wife and I are planning to buy a house of our own. Her parents are quite well-off and they have offered to help us out financially so we can afford a nicer place than we could manage without their help, but I’m worried that they will consider themselves part owners and try to interfere with whatever we want to do with the house.
Queenie, am I being foolish?—Independent husband
Dear Husband,
If your in-laws have a habit of butting into your relationship with your wife you are not being foolish, and it would be a good idea to decline their kind offer, even if it means buying a much smaller house than they would help you with. Thank them for their generous offer, but explain to them that you want to learn to live on what you can afford on your own.
Dear Queenie,
My husband never gives me gifts on special occasions like my birthday or our anniversary, if he even remembers them at all.
Queenie, this really hurts my feelings!—Neglected wife
Dear Wife,
Does your husband ignore you all the time, or only your special occasions? If it is the former, you have a problem that you should discuss with him and perhaps a professional counsellor. However, if it is only the special occasions, it may be the way he was raised and he needs to be re-educated.
When the next special occasion approaches, borrow his credit card (or ask him for cash if he does not have a credit card) and go out and buy yourself something special (but not too expensive). Then, when the date arrives, present the gift to yourself in his presence and make a big fuss about thanking him for it. Continue this custom until he learns to remember – if he ever does. Either way you will have your celebration and he will be a part of it, whether or not he learns to remember in advance.
Dear Queenie,
My mother-in-law doesn’t like me very much although she got along fine with my husband’s previous wife, and she doesn’t like my children at all because they’re not her grandchildren. Recently she arranged a family photo session that she just didn’t tell me about and only my husband and his own children are in any of the photos. I only found out about it when I saw my husband’s copies of the pictures.
Queenie, don’t I have a right to be offended?—Insulted wife
Dear Insulted,
If only blood relatives were included in the photos, do not let it bother you. If you want current family photos, make an appointment for another photo session. It is up to you if you want to include your in-laws, and if you do not, they have no grounds for complaint.
