Dear Queenie,
My husband’s father always remembers both our birthdays with cards and cash, but he always gives my husband more money than he gives me.
Queenie, I don’t get it (literally). Do you?—Short-changed daughter-in-law
Dear Daughter-in-law,
I can think of several possible reasons: His son is a blood relative, you are not. He has known his son longer than he has known you. His son is a man, you are a woman. If his son is considerably older than you are, the age difference may be the reason. He thinks of his son as the head of the household, supporting you, and therefore needing the money more. Etc., etc., etc.
If you really want to know, try asking him – as sweetly and non-confrontationally as you can manage.
Dear Queenie,
I hate to visit my best friend at her house. It’s always dirty and smelly because they don’t clean up after their pets, her father is always shouting at someone about something and her brother and sisters are mean to her and to me.
Queenie, I want to hang out with her, but I’d rather do it at my house. How can I stay away from her house without insulting her?—Disgusted friend
Dear Friend,
Always invite your friend to your house. When she invites you to her house, tell her you would be more comfortable in your own home. If she spends enough time there with you, she may understand why you prefer it without having to have it spelled out for her.
Dear Queenie,
My husband and I have offered to take care of his brother’s children when he and his wife want to go out for an evening but they never ask us, they always ask her sister. I could understand if it usually happened, but not every single time.
Queenie, should we ask them why this is?—Ignored aunt and uncle
Dear Aunt and Uncle,
Of course you should ask them, but not in any angry or confrontational manner, just as a simple, civil request for information. And be prepared to accept in good spirit whatever answer they give you.
Dear Queenie,
My son is just got engaged and they are planning their wedding for later this year. I have a good relationship with my son, but I’m afraid this will change after he gets married.
Queenie, is that old saying true that “A son is a son ’til he gets him a wife”?—Mother-in-law-to be
Dear Mother-in-law-to be,
That probably will depend on the relationship you develop with your son’s wife and you would do well to start working on that now, while she is still his fiancée.
Let your son know you hope he will not drift away from you after he gets married.
And make a special effort to keep on at least civil, better yet friendly terms with his now-fiancée/soon-to-be wife – treat her with respect and as much affection as you can manage, because she is now an important part of his life and will be more so after they are married.
Dear Queenie,
My grandchildren behave beautifully when they are visiting me, but when their parents come to pick them up they start acting like wild animals and their parents don’t say a word to them so I guess that is how they behave at home.
Queenie, should I say something about this to their parents, my son and daughter-in-law?—Worried grandfather
Dear Grandfather,
Apparently your grandchildren have learned that different places have different rules for behaviour and are able to adjust their behaviour accordingly. If they are of school age I would be interested to know how they behave there.
To answer your question: No, do not try to discuss this with your son and daughter-in-law. They will take it as criticism of their parenting methods.
However, be sure to continue to enforce your own rules when the children are with you, so they can continue to learn what is acceptable outside their own home.
