Dear Queenie,
I’m not an alcoholic, but I don’t like the taste of alcohol or the effects it has on people, so I do not drink the stuff. But some people get insulted if I don’t take a drink when they offer it.
Queenie, what can I say to them without being rude?—Non-drinker
Dear Non-drinker,
Whether you are an alcoholic (“recovering”) or not, my answer is the same: Tell them what you have told me about not liking alcohol’s taste and effects. If they keep pushing you to have a drink, tell them you will happily accept plain grape juice or name some other non-alcoholic beverage.
And, for the record, if anyone pushes you to eat or drink anything you do not want, they are the one(s) who are being rude for insisting, not you for not accepting.
Dear Queenie,
My neighbor’s husband is no good at fixing things so whenever something needs fixing she comes running to my husband for help. I say she should hire someone to do the work, it’s not as if they can’t afford it, but my husband says he enjoys that kind of work so it’s no problem, but I suspect what he enjoys is all the attention and compliments and sometimes even food she gives him while he is doing the work.
Queenie, do you think there is something more going on here?—Suspicious wife
Dear Wife,
Has your husband ever actually cheated on you? If not, I doubt there is anything going on here beyond the fact that he likes fixing things and his apparent need for (probably attractive) female attention.
And, what is your neighbour’s husband doing while your husband is busy fixing things? If he is right there watching (and hopefully learning), I do not think there is anything going on for you to worry about.
Dear Queenie,
When my daughter died I loaned her husband the money for her funeral because he was short on funds and the insurance money wouldn’t come in for a while. He promised to pay me back, but he never did.
Now he wants to borrow money to buy computers for their children, my grandchildren. I don’t want to, because he still owes me for the funeral.
Queenie, what do you think?—Grandma moneybags
Dear Grandma,
Give him the money if you can afford it. It may be the price (bribe!) you have to pay for staying in touch with your grandchildren. But make it clear that the computers will belong to the children, not to him, and make sure they are registered in the children’s names (or yours, if the children are still very young).
Dear Queenie,
My husband smokes. Before we were married he promised to stop, but he never did. Then when I got pregnant he promised again, but didn’t. He goes outside to smoke, but he just won’t stop.
Aside from the danger to our children, I’m afraid the smoking will make him sick or even kill him young.
Queenie, how can I get him to quit?—Smoker’s wife
Dear Wife,
Smoking is an addiction and, like other addictions, can be extremely difficult to overcome, which certainly appears to be true in your husband’s case.
All you can do is protect your children from their father’s habit, which he seems to be doing by going outside to smoke, and, when they are old enough to understand, explain to them why he does that and warn them never to start smoking.
Dear Queenie,
I have a husband and family and also work full-time. My problem is that I never have any time to myself. Once in a while I would like to just take a walk by myself, or even just sit and watch TV alone or go to a movie, but my husband makes me feel guilty for even wanting it, let alone doing it.
Queenie, how do I make him understand?—Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed,
Does your husband spend every waking minute at his job or at home with you and the children? If not, tell him it is the same for you. It may be that he is suspicious of your motives or jealous of time spent away from him, so be sure to let him know what you will be doing where, when and for how long.
However, if that is not the case, you may have trouble making him understand your need for “alone time.” Perhaps your family doctor or even a professional counsellor could explain it to him better than you can.
